Modern men often approach dating as a complex game requiring intricate strategies, perfect timing, and convincing performance. But according to Coach Christian from BetterMan Academy, this entire framework misses the fundamental truth: attraction isn’t something you create through tactics—it’s something you generate through genuine masculine development. The path to relationship success begins not with understanding women but with building yourself into a man worth being attracted to.
The Chase Versus Attract Paradigm
In his video “Female DESIRE Doesn’t Care About FEMINISM (Neither Should YOU!),” Coach Christian articulates a principle that inverts conventional dating advice: “You don’t chase women. You attract women through your own self-built energy that you have to forge as a man.”
This distinction between chasing and attracting represents fundamentally different approaches to relationships:
The Chase Paradigm: Men pursue women through increasing effort—better lines, perfect timing, escalation techniques, psychological tactics. Success depends on convincing her through persuasion and performance. The man’s value remains constant while his presentation varies to generate interest.
The Attract Paradigm: Men build genuine capability and value that women naturally respond to. Success depends on actual development creating authentic masculine presence. The man’s substance itself generates attraction without requiring persuasion.
Most dating advice operates within the chase paradigm, offering increasingly sophisticated techniques for pursuing women. But Coach Christian argues this is backwards: “Your responsibility is responsibility. One of the bitter pills, but one of the beauties, paradoxically, of being a man is taking on and accepting reality for what it is and the consequences of reality.”
The reality is that genuine attraction responds to authentic value, not clever tactics. No amount of game compensates for lack of genuine masculine development. And building that development must precede attempting serious relationships.
Why You Can’t Build While Dating
Many men believe they can develop themselves while simultaneously pursuing or maintaining relationships. Coach Christian directly challenges this approach: “You cannot do it if you’ve not established that yet and you’re near a woman because the woman will expose the chaos within you.”
This warning reflects a crucial dynamic: women’s instinctual testing reveals gaps in masculine development with devastating accuracy. A man attempting to build his foundation while in a relationship faces constant exposure of his inadequacies, creating several problems:
Constant Failure Cycles: Each time his underdeveloped masculine capacity is tested and fails, attraction decreases and conflict increases. The relationship becomes a series of defeats rather than a context for growth.
Distraction from Development: Relationship management consumes time and energy that should go toward building genuine capability. He’s constantly in damage control mode rather than focused developmental mode.
Wrong Feedback Source: He’s receiving feedback from someone emotionally invested in the relationship’s immediate state rather than his long-term development. Her responses reflect her current satisfaction, not accurate assessment of his growth trajectory.
Premature Pressure: Development requires time, experimentation, and failure without catastrophic consequences. A relationship adds high stakes to every learning moment, making genuine experimentation impossible.
Erosion of Foundation: By the time he’s developed significantly, the relationship has often degraded beyond repair. The foundation he’s building exists alongside ruins of failed partnership.
Coach Christian’s prescription is clear: build first, then attract. “Any success that’s going to come into your life as a man first comes from your own ability to self-impose structure, discipline, commitments into your life. And you start there.”
The Non-Negotiable Foundation: Self-Imposed Structure
The starting point for masculine development is what Coach Christian calls “your own ability to self-impose structure, discipline, commitments into your life.” This isn’t about women, relationships, or attraction—it’s about becoming capable of self-governance.
Self-imposed structure means:
Daily Disciplines: Establishing routines you maintain regardless of circumstance—physical training, productive work, skill development, rest. These disciplines provide framework regardless of external chaos.
Commitment Honoring: Making commitments to yourself and keeping them even when inconvenient. This builds self-trust and demonstrates that your word means something.
Standard Maintenance: Setting standards for your behavior, environment, and associations, then enforcing those standards without negotiation. Standards define your frame.
Delayed Gratification: Choosing long-term benefit over immediate pleasure consistently. This capacity separates men from boys more than any other trait.
Emotional Regulation: Maintaining your center regardless of external emotional turbulence. This doesn’t mean suppressing emotions but not being controlled by them.
These elements must be established independently before attempting to lead in relationships. A man who can’t govern himself cannot govern a relationship or family.
The Energy You Forge: Masculine Presence Through Pain
Coach Christian emphasizes that the energy attracting women “you have to forge as a man. And that normally will come through some sort of pain.”
The forging metaphor is deliberate. Metal becomes stronger through heating, hammering, and cooling—a violent process that improves the material by removing impurities and creating new molecular structure. Men develop similarly through challenges that expose and eliminate weaknesses.
This pain typically comes from several sources:
Relationship Failure: As discussed in previous articles, being rejected or losing attraction reveals gaps in masculine development. This pain, properly channeled, motivates genuine transformation.
Physical Challenge: Pushing body beyond comfortable limits through training, competition, or endurance creates capacity for handling difficulty. Physical discomfort builds mental fortitude.
Financial Pressure: The necessity of generating income and managing resources develops competence and resourcefulness that comfort cannot teach.
Social Rejection: Being excluded or criticized for holding unpopular positions strengthens conviction and independent judgment.
Delayed Rewards: Working toward goals that take months or years to achieve builds patience and persistence that immediate gratification prevents.
The common thread is that genuine masculine capacity emerges from difficulty, not comfort. A man who hasn’t faced and overcome significant challenges lacks the tested strength that generates authentic masculine presence.
“That’s the beauty of women. They will reveal to you where you’re at as a man,” Coach Christian notes. The pain of that revelation, when used properly, becomes fuel for development rather than excuse for bitterness.
What Women Reveal: The Market Research Function
Building on his framework of women as “incredible focus groups for men, meaning market research,” Coach Christian emphasizes that relationship failure provides precise diagnostic information about developmental needs.
When a woman loses attraction or leaves, she’s revealing specific gaps:
- Where you lacked genuine self-direction and sought her validation
- When you compromised boundaries that should have been non-negotiable
- How you became emotionally reactive rather than remaining grounded
- Why your stated mission proved less important than winning her approval
- Where your presentation diverged from your actual capability
This feedback is more valuable than years of therapy or self-help books because it’s based on your actual behavior under real relationship pressure. “All you can do as a man is to take the L and to learn from it,” Coach Christian counsels.
The key is using this feedback to guide developmental priorities rather than wasting it on resentment or blame. Each relationship failure reveals the next frontier of masculine growth.
The BetterMan System: Structured Development Path
Coach Christian references “systems that I’ve developed that will help men reboot and reclaim their value” through the BetterMan Academy. While he doesn’t detail the complete system in this video, the framework is clear:
Assessment: Honest evaluation of current masculine development level, identifying specific gaps and strengths.
Foundation Building: Establishing basic self-governance through daily disciplines, standard maintenance, and commitment honoring.
Capability Development: Building genuine competence in key life domains—physical capability, financial productivity, skill development, emotional regulation.
Testing Under Pressure: Deliberately exposing yourself to challenges that reveal and forge masculine capacity beyond comfortable zones.
Community Integration: Engaging with other men on similar paths for feedback, accountability, and shared learning.
Mission Clarity: Defining purpose beyond relationships that provides direction and meaning independent of female validation.
Gradual Integration: Once foundation is solid, allowing women into your life from position of strength rather than need.
This systematic approach replaces the chaos of trying to figure it all out alone with proven developmental pathway.
The Role of Male Community: Collective Individualism
While individual responsibility forms the core of masculine development, Coach Christian emphasizes the importance of male community in this process: “You need support not from women. You need support from the men and a community of men that are like-minded that are doing this collective individualism.”
Male community serves several crucial functions:
Honest Feedback: Other men can see your blind spots and provide direct feedback that women won’t give and that self-assessment misses.
Accountability: Community creates external pressure to maintain commitments and standards when internal motivation wanes.
Shared Learning: Access to others’ experiences accelerates learning by revealing patterns across multiple cases rather than just your own.
Emotional Support: Men going through similar challenges provide understanding and encouragement that women cannot offer and mainstream culture actively undermines.
Standard Setting: Being around men who maintain high standards raises your own standards through social proof and friendly competition.
Collective Wisdom: The accumulated experience of multiple men at various developmental stages creates knowledge base exceeding any individual’s understanding.
Coach Christian describes this as “collective individualism”—”as men you have to be an individual you have to have your own conviction but you are surrounded by other men that are on their own path too.”
The BetterMan Academy implements this model: “Got over 1,400 members now in my private community in the free community.” This provides the tribal structure men historically received naturally but now must create intentionally.
The Timing Question: When Are You Ready?
Many men wonder when they’ve developed sufficiently to begin pursuing serious relationships. Coach Christian’s framework suggests clear indicators:
Self-Governance Established: You maintain your disciplines, standards, and commitments consistently regardless of circumstances or emotions. Your structure is solid, not performative.
Mission Clarity: You have defined purpose beyond relationships that provides direction and meaning. A woman enhances your life but isn’t necessary for it to have purpose.
Tested Capacity: You’ve faced significant challenges and maintained your center under pressure. Your masculine capability isn’t theoretical—it’s been proven through difficulty.
Emotional Stability: You can be present with emotions (yours and others’) without being controlled by them. Your state isn’t dependent on external validation or circumstances.
Financial Foundation: You’re generating income, managing resources effectively, and moving toward economic security. You’re a provider, not a dependent.
Physical Capability: You’ve developed physical strength, health, and capacity through consistent training. Your body reflects discipline and capability.
Independence: You’re genuinely self-sufficient, capable of managing life’s practical demands without constant help or validation.
When these foundations exist, attraction happens naturally. “And then from there, you attract women,” Coach Christian states. The development itself generates the presence that draws women in.
What Happens After Foundation: Natural Attraction
Once genuine masculine foundation exists, the relationship dynamic transforms completely. Rather than chasing women through increasing effort, men find that women naturally appear in their orbit and demonstrate interest.
This isn’t magical thinking—it’s predictable consequence of visible masculine capability. Women’s instincts are finely tuned to detect genuine masculine presence, and men who have done the developmental work carry that presence in how they move, speak, and engage with the world.
The three-month testing period becomes far less fraught because the man isn’t faking capability—he actually possesses it. When she tests boundaries, they’re real boundaries maintained naturally. When she probes for mission clarity, genuine mission exists. When she evaluates emotional stability, authentic groundedness is present.
“You attract women through your own self-built energy that you have to forge as a man,” Coach Christian reiterates. This self-built energy isn’t technique or performance—it’s the natural emanation of developed masculine capacity.
The Beautiful Moment: When Women Hand You Your Ass
Perhaps Coach Christian’s most paradoxical point is reframing relationship failure as gift: “If you are in that moment where you’ve been just handed your ass by a woman… that is a beautiful moment for you, sir. That is where men are forged.”
This requires serious perspective shift. Most men experience rejection or relationship failure as devastating ego blow, evidence of their inadequacy, and reason for bitterness. Coach Christian inverts this: it’s the necessary pain that motivates genuine transformation.
Beauty emerges not from the pain itself but from what men build with that pain. Rejection reveals exactly what needs development. Relationship failure exposes gaps that success would have masked. Being “handed your ass” provides unambiguous feedback that comfort never gives.
“But you need support not from women. You need support from the men and a community of men that are like-minded,” he emphasizes. The transformation happens not through female validation but through male community supporting individual development.
This reframe transforms relationship failure from reason to quit into reason to start genuine developmental work. The pain becomes fuel rather than excuse.
The Long View: Building What Lasts
Coach Christian’s approach requires patience that contradicts modern culture’s demand for immediate results. Building genuine masculine foundation takes time—months and years, not weeks. This extended timeline frustrates men seeking quick fixes.
But the alternative—continuing to chase women through tactics while lacking genuine capability—produces only repeated failure and increasing bitterness. The time investment in real development pays dividends that technique mastery never can.
Moreover, masculine capacity built through genuine development lasts. It doesn’t depend on remembering lines or executing strategies perfectly. It’s who you actually are, not what you’re performing. This means less effort maintaining relationships because authentic attraction requires less maintenance than manufactured attraction.
The foundation you build serves every aspect of life, not just relationships. The discipline, capability, and leadership that attract women also advance careers, build businesses, maintain health, and enable meaningful contribution to the world.
Practical Application: Where to Start Today
For men recognizing they lack adequate foundation, the path forward begins immediately:
Assess Honestly: Where are you actually at? What disciplines do you maintain? What standards govern your life? What’s your mission? Get brutally honest about current state.
Choose One Discipline: Don’t try to transform everything at once. Select one daily practice—physical training, meditation, productive work, skill development—and maintain it without negotiation for 30 days.
Establish One Standard: Define one non-negotiable standard for your life and enforce it without exception. This could be environmental (keep your space organized), social (only spend time with people who add value), or behavioral (speak with complete honesty).
Find Male Community: Seek out or create connections with other men on developmental paths. This could be online communities like BetterMan Academy or local groups focused on masculine development.
Track Progress: Document your commitments and your actual behavior. This creates accountability and reveals patterns of success or failure.
Accept Current Reality: Stop trying to date seriously until foundation is solid. This might mean months of celibacy or only casual connections while you build. Accept this as investment in future success.
Reclaim Your Value: The Core Message
Coach Christian’s central mission comes through clearly: helping men “reboot and reclaim their value.” This phrasing reveals important truth—the value isn’t being built from scratch but reclaimed.
Men inherently possess capability for leadership, discipline, and strength. These aren’t acquired traits but natural masculine qualities that have been suppressed through social conditioning. Reclaiming value means removing the layers of feminist conditioning and reviving dormant masculine capacity.
The reboot metaphor suggests that something has crashed and needs restarting from clean state. Many men’s approach to relationships and masculinity has indeed crashed—the strategies they learned don’t work, the behaviors they were taught to exhibit don’t generate attraction, and the identity they adopted doesn’t serve them.
Rebooting means wiping that failed programming and installing something based on actual masculine nature rather than ideological fantasy. This requires:
- Accepting that everything you learned about attracting women might be wrong
- Recognizing that masculine development, not clever tactics, generates lasting attraction
- Understanding that the pain of rejection is feedback, not final judgment
- Committing to building genuine capability before pursuing serious relationships
- Trusting that natural attraction follows authentic development
Conclusion: From Chasing to Attracting
The shift from chasing women to attracting them requires fundamental transformation in how men approach relationships. Rather than treating dating as skill to master through practice, Coach Christian reframes it as natural consequence of masculine development.
Men who chase women remain perpetually in reactive mode—adjusting behavior to generate desired response, seeking validation through female interest, and experiencing relationships as endless effort requiring perfect execution.
Men who attract women from developed foundation operate from abundance—relationships enhance already purposeful lives, female interest confirms rather than creates their value, and partnerships flow naturally without forced effort.
The path from first state to second runs through genuine developmental work: establishing self-imposed structure, building real capability, testing yourself through challenge, engaging with male community, and allowing pain to forge you rather than embitter you.
As Coach Christian emphasizes: “And you start there.” Not with women, not with relationships, not with attraction techniques—with yourself. Build the foundation, develop genuine capability, establish authentic masculine presence. From there, attraction takes care of itself.
The question isn’t whether this path is longer or harder than learning pickup tactics. The question is whether you want temporary results requiring constant effort or lasting capacity that serves your entire life.
This article is based on insights from Coach Christian’s video “Female DESIRE Doesn’t Care About FEMINISM (Neither Should YOU!)” from the BetterMan YouTube channel. To begin the systematic process of reclaiming your masculine value and building genuine foundation, join the community at BetterMan Academy: https://www.skool.com/betterman/about.