In “The Way of the Superior Man,” David Deida makes a claim that initially shocks many readers: a man’s purpose must come before his relationship. This isn’t a license for neglecting intimate partners or prioritizing work addiction over family. Rather, it’s a profound insight into masculine psychology and what creates authentic attraction in intimate relationships.
The Masculine Core and Its Priority
Deida writes: “Every man knows that his highest purpose in life cannot be reduced to any particular relationship. If a man prioritizes his relationship over his highest purpose, he weakens himself, disserves the universe, and cheats his woman of an authentic man who can offer her full, undivided presence.”
For men with masculine sexual essences, purpose and mission form the core of identity. This differs fundamentally from feminine-essenced individuals, whose core fulfillment comes through the flow of love in relationships. Neither priority is superior—they’re simply different paths to wholeness.
When a man compromises his deepest purpose to accommodate relationship demands, something dies inside him. He becomes resentful, weak, and ambiguous. His woman feels this energetic deflation even if he says nothing. She intuits that he’s sacrificed his truth to please her, and this creates distrust rather than gratitude.
What Women Actually Want
Here’s the paradox: although your woman may seem to want to be the center of your life, deep down she doesn’t. Deida illustrates this with a vivid example of a man going to war. Though his woman begs him to stay, when he explains he must go, “another gush of tears bursts from her heartbroken face” but she accepts his departure. She knows his mission calls him.
“A woman really wants her man to be totally dedicated to his highest purpose—and also to love her fully,” Deida explains. “Although she would never admit it, she wants to feel that her man would be willing to sacrifice their relationship for the sake of his highest purpose.”
This willingness to put truth before comfort demonstrates masculine integrity. It shows the man won’t compromise his deepest knowing for temporary pleasure or to avoid conflict. A woman can trust such a man to maintain his direction when life tests him. She can relax into her feminine rather than having to supply masculine direction for both of them.
The Trap of Making Relationship Your Purpose
Many men fall into the trap of making their intimate relationship their primary purpose, especially after marriage or when children arrive. They stop pursuing their deepest calling and instead focus on being a good husband and father. While family responsibilities are important, they cannot replace authentic purpose.
Deida warns: “If you give up your true purpose to do so for too long, you are not really helping anyone.” When a man abandons his mission for domestic duties, his children absorb his weakened presence. They learn either to replicate his self-abandonment or rebel against it. His woman becomes chronically stressed from having to animate her own masculine direction since he’s abdicated his.
This doesn’t mean ignoring family needs. It means structuring your life so you can fulfill family obligations while remaining aligned with your deepest purpose. “You can give love to your family and engage your life’s work, if you discipline yourself to act on your deepest desires with priority,” Deida advises.
Discovering Your Deepest Purpose
Many men don’t know their purpose. They’ve spent years doing what they’re supposed to do—getting educated, building careers, raising families—without ever pausing to feel into their core desire. “Without a conscious life-purpose a man is totally lost, drifting, adapting to events rather than creating events,” Deida writes.
Your purpose isn’t necessarily grandiose. It might be creating beauty through art, serving others through healing professions, building businesses that solve problems, or pursuing spiritual realization. What matters is that it springs from your deepest core rather than external expectations.
To discover your purpose, Deida recommends asking: What would I do if I had complete freedom from financial constraint and social approval? What draws my deepest interest and commitment? What am I willing to sacrifice comfort to pursue?
Living Through Layers of Purpose
Purpose isn’t static. As you grow, you penetrate through layers of purpose, moving from outer circles toward your deepest core. Perhaps you started as a lawyer because your father was one, then became a public defender because justice called you, then founded a nonprofit addressing systemic legal inequities, then dedicated yourself to spiritual awakening while still serving others.
Each purpose, when lived fully, eventually becomes complete. You’ll know you’ve fulfilled a layer when you experience several signs: “You suddenly have no interest whatsoever in a project or mission that, just previously, motivated you highly. You feel surprisingly free of any regrets whatsoever… Even though you may not have the slightest idea of what you are going to do next, you feel clear, unconfused, and, especially, unburdened.”
When this happens, resist the urge to immediately fill the void with new projects. Instead, wait in the unknowing. Create space for a vision of your next layer of purpose to emerge. This requires discipline—no numbing yourself with TV, alcohol, or endless activity. Simply be present with the discomfort of not knowing, and trust the next calling will arise.
The Daily Practice of Purpose
Living your purpose requires daily discipline. You can’t occasionally work on your mission when you feel inspired and expect to penetrate to your deepest gifts. Deida recommends spending at least one hour daily doing what you’re waiting to do—writing that book, building that business, pursuing that spiritual practice—regardless of obligations.
“Most postponements are excuses for a lack of creative discipline,” he notes. “Limited money and family obligations have never stopped a man who really wanted to do something, although they provide excuses for a man who is not really up to the creative challenge in the first place.”
This hour is non-negotiable. It’s the minimum price of admission for living with purpose. Through it, you discover whether you truly want what you think you want, or whether your dreams are merely fantasies you use to console yourself while tolerating mediocrity.
Purpose and Presence in Intimacy
When you prioritize your purpose, you actually become more present in intimacy, not less. The time you spend with your woman becomes undivided rather than distracted by chronically unfinished business. “Your woman will be more fulfilled with thirty minutes a day of undivided attention and ravishing love than she will with a few hours of your weak and divided presence when your heart really isn’t into it,” Deida explains.
She feels whether you want to be with her or whether you’d rather be doing something else. When your purpose is clear and you’ve arranged your life around it, the time you choose to spend with her is pure gift. You’re not resenting her for taking you away from your work. You’re not half-present while worrying about projects. You’re completely there, and she feels it.
When Purpose and Relationship Conflict
Sometimes your purpose will require choices that challenge your relationship. You might need to relocate for career opportunities, spend intensive periods in solitude for spiritual practice, or take financial risks that affect your family’s security. These are the moments when you discover what truly matters most.
A man who has made his relationship his purpose will compromise his truth to maintain domestic harmony. He’ll resent this sacrifice, and his woman will feel his resentment. Alternatively, a man clear in his purpose will make decisions from his deepest wisdom, considering his partner’s needs but not being ruled by them.
“When you deny your true core you deny the possibility of true and real love,” Deida writes. “Love is openness, through and through.” By remaining true to your purpose even when it’s difficult, you demonstrate the integrity that allows your woman to truly trust and open to you.
Avoiding the Workaholic Trap
Prioritizing purpose doesn’t mean becoming a workaholic who neglects relationships. Workaholism is actually a form of addiction and avoidance rather than authentic purpose. The workaholic uses endless activity to escape intimacy and feeling. He’s running from something rather than running toward his deepest calling.
A man living his true purpose feels energized rather than depleted by his work. He’s not escaping life but engaging it fully. When he’s with his woman, he can be fully present because his work isn’t driven by fear or inadequacy but by genuine calling.
The Gift of Purpose-Driven Presence
When you live from clear purpose, your presence changes. You move through the world with certainty and direction. Your woman feels this and relaxes. She doesn’t have to wonder whether you’ll fold when life tests you. She doesn’t have to provide masculine direction because you’re wishy-washy in yours. She can surrender into her feminine radiance, trusting your clarity to guide your shared life.
Children raised by a purpose-driven father learn that life is about giving gifts from your deepest core rather than pursuing comfort and security. They absorb the possibility of living from authentic calling rather than social conditioning. This is worth more than any amount of time spent together where you’re physically present but energetically absent.
Conclusion: The Liberation of Priority
Understanding that your purpose must come before your relationship liberates both you and your woman. You’re freed from the impossible burden of making her happy while abandoning what makes you come alive. She’s freed from the burden of being your primary source of meaning and fulfillment.
Paradoxically, when you stop trying to make your relationship work by prioritizing it, the relationship begins to work. When you prioritize your purpose and bring that fullness to your woman, she receives the gift she truly desires—a man living his truth, offering his authentic presence, and demonstrating the integrity she can trust completely.
As Deida concludes: “Your mission is your priority. Unless you know your mission and have aligned your life to it, your core will feel empty. Your presence in the world will be weakened, as will your presence with your intimate partner.”
