Discover the truth about modern marriage — why nearly 50% of marriages end in divorce, what factors really drive relationship breakdowns, and what men should know to build a lasting, fulfilling partnership.
Introduction
Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, yet roughly half of all marriages end in divorce. While politicians and pundits debate the causes, clinical psychologist Dr. Orion Taraban offers a brutally honest analysis that challenges conventional thinking. In his conversation on Kim Sean’s podcast (watch the full discussion here), Dr. Taraban argues that marriage may be “almost an impossible thing to do”—and that understanding why helps men make better decisions about if and when to marry.
This isn’t an anti-marriage screed. Rather, it’s an examination of why traditional marriage structures struggle under modern conditions, why the incentives are misaligned for many men, and what strategies can lead to more successful long-term relationships. According to data from the American Psychological Association, 40-50% of married couples in the United States divorce, with the rate even higher for subsequent marriages.
Why Marriage Was Easier for Previous Generations
When people romanticize the “good old days” when couples stayed together, they often miss crucial context. Dr. Taraban argues that past generations had much higher marriage success rates not because people were more committed or relationships were better, but because:
1. Severe Lack of Optionality
Our grandparents and great-grandparents had far fewer alternatives. In small towns and insular communities, there simply weren’t many other potential partners to consider. Geographic and social mobility was limited, meaning people couldn’t easily leave and start over.
As Dr. Taraban notes: “Maybe your grandma just didn’t have enough money to leave your grandpa.” Financial dependence kept many women in marriages they might otherwise have exited.
2. Enormous Social Pressure
Divorce carried massive social stigma. According to research from the Pew Research Center, divorced individuals faced:
- Exclusion from religious communities
- Social ostracism
- Loss of reputation and standing
- Negative impacts on children’s social prospects
This pressure kept couples together regardless of happiness or compatibility.
3. Legal and Economic Barriers
For much of history, divorce was legally difficult or impossible to obtain. Even when legal, women had few economic options:
- Limited job opportunities
- No credit in their own names
- Restricted property rights
- Few social safety nets
Dr. Taraban’s insight cuts through the nostalgia: “Do you really want to go back to that time?” The question becomes whether we want “successful” marriages sustained by lack of options and social coercion, or whether we need new models for modern conditions.
The Modern Reality: Why We Need Each Other Less
A fundamental shift has occurred in human relationships: we need each other much less than we ever have in history. This dramatically affects relationship stability.
The Wealth Effect on Relationships
Dr. Taraban explains: “When you’re in really poor communities, they generally have very tight-knit social structures because if you don’t have a lot materially, you fucking need other people to survive. But if you have a lot materially, you don’t.”
Research from Bowling Alone by Robert Putnam documents how increased wealth correlates with decreased community bonds and social capital. People increasingly meet needs through:
- Market transactions (paying for services)
- Professional relationships (therapists, trainers, etc.)
- Digital connections (online communities)
- Consumer goods (entertainment, comfort)
The GDP-Birth Rate Correlation
Dr. Taraban notes a striking pattern: “That as GDP goes up, birth rates go down. The average age of marriage increases.” According to World Bank data, this correlation is remarkably consistent across cultures and time periods.
Why? Because “people go to relationships to get certain things, but they’re less needful today than they were in the past.”
Women’s Financial Independence
The most significant change is women’s economic independence. According to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, women’s labor force participation has fundamentally transformed relationship dynamics.
Dr. Taraban observes: “Women now have a lot of their own money. So that’s one less reason they need any given man. There’s one less thing they need and want. And remember, relationships are formed to get what you need and want.”
The Paradox of Meeting Needs in Relationships
Dr. Taraban introduces a disturbing paradox that makes long-term relationships inherently unstable:
Getting What You Want Makes Relationships Obsolete
“People enter into relationships with other people to get those things that they want and need. And when we get them, we need the relationship or we want the relationship even less than we did before.”
Think about it: You pursue a relationship for companionship, sex, emotional support, children, or other goals. But once achieved, what maintains the relationship? Dr. Taraban frames it starkly: “By giving you what you want, I’m making myself obsolete. I’m making myself redundant.”
This explains several common relationship patterns:
- The post-children drift: Couples who came together to start a family find themselves with little connection once kids arrive
- The achievement trap: Once you’ve “locked down” commitment, the other person becomes less interested
- The security paradox: Providing complete security removes the excitement of pursuit
Research in The Journal of Sex Research shows that relationship satisfaction often declines after major milestones like marriage or childbirth, supporting this paradox.
The Moral Imperative vs. Natural Selection
People often moralize about this dynamic: “Well, people just need to love more deeply” or “be true friends.” But Dr. Taraban argues these virtues are rare: “Most people aren’t going to love very deeply or be true friends. Like these are rare things.”
The vast majority of people operate on the principle Dr. Taraban identifies throughout his analysis: “All’s fair in love and war.” When it comes to survival (war) and genetic survival (love), people feel justified doing what’s best for themselves, even at others’ expense.
“Morality on some level doesn’t enter into the picture when it comes to survival. It’s beyond good and evil in many cases.”
The Personal Growth Problem: Why Therapy Accelerates Divorce
Dr. Taraban notes a well-known pattern: “The fastest way to accelerate a divorce is for one partner to start therapy.”
Growing Apart vs. Growing Together
Every 7-10 years, people undergo significant personal transformation. Even if you were “perfectly matched” initially, both partners become different versions of themselves. As Dr. Taraban explains:
“Even if you were perfectly matched 10 years ago, who’s to say that you’re now going to be perfectly matched? Sometimes relationships just run their course. They exist for a season or to accomplish a specific goal.”
When one partner pursues personal development while the other doesn’t, the gap widens:
- Different communication styles emerge
- Values and priorities shift
- Life goals diverge
- Attraction patterns change (as discussed in previous articles)
Research from The Gottman Institute shows that couples must continuously work to maintain connection as they change, or risk growing apart.
The Question of Relationship “Failure”
Dr. Taraban challenges a fundamental assumption: “Maybe we need to collectively reexamine our attitude that if a relationship doesn’t last until death, that it’s somehow a failure.”
If a relationship accomplished what it was meant to—provided companionship during a difficult phase, produced and raised children, supported career development—is ending it after those goals are met really a failure?
This perspective contradicts traditional views but may be more honest about how modern relationships actually function.
The Incentive Problem: Why Marriage May Not Make Sense for Men
Dr. Taraban offers perhaps his most controversial take: marriage often makes more sense for women than men because “the only way a woman can get divorced” is by first getting married.
The Divorce Economics
“Divorce can absolutely be a fantastic thing for a woman,” Dr. Taraban argues. Why?
- She can enter a new relationship immediately
- She may receive alimony or spousal support
- She often receives favorable child custody arrangements
- She benefits from property division
- She gets “cash and prizes for many, many years”
Meanwhile, the man often:
- Pays significant alimony and child support
- Loses substantial assets in property division
- Has reduced time with children
- Faces ongoing financial obligations
- Returns to the dating market at lower value (if divorce happens during his 20s-30s peak earning years)
According to research from the Institute for Family Studies, men’s standard of living typically decreases after divorce while women’s often improves or remains stable when accounting for support payments.
When Marriage Makes Sense for Men
Dr. Taraban suggests marriage could make sense for men in specific circumstances: “If some beautiful billionaire heiress started courting me, I might be willing to sign the nuptials… I would feel good about that.”
In other words, when the woman brings significantly more resources and status, marriage becomes a good deal for the man—the same dynamic that traditionally made it attractive for women.
“Because women tend to mate and date up and not mate and date down, the man often assumes a disproportionate amount of risk when they enter into the marriage contract. And I just don’t think that’s in a lot of men’s best interest.”
The Impossible Expectations of Modern Marriage
Dr. Taraban argues that we’ve made marriage nearly impossible by bundling too many expectations into one relationship:
The Village in One Person
“We now increasingly live in single family households. We don’t have communities anymore. We don’t have intergenerational houses. We don’t have tribes. And we want our partner to be a whole village. And that’s not possible.”
Traditional marriage included:
- Extended family providing childcare and support
- Community providing social connection
- Religious institutions providing meaning and guidance
- Gender-segregated friendships meeting certain needs
Now we expect one person to be:
- Best friend
- Passionate lover
- Co-parent
- Financial partner
- Emotional therapist
- Social coordinator
- Life coach
- Housemate
Research from the National Marriage Project shows that couples with unrealistic expectations experience significantly lower satisfaction and higher divorce rates.
The Hyperconflated Marriage
Dr. Taraban identifies what’s been bundled into traditional marriage:
- Legal contract
- Sexual exclusivity
- Cohabitation
- Reproduction
- Love and emotional intimacy
- Financial merger
- Social unit
“I think that’s part of the reason why a lot of marriages fail—that is too much. It’s very difficult to get all of those things met simultaneously with a single person.”
The Monogamy Question
Addressing whether humans are naturally monogamous, Dr. Taraban concludes: “It doesn’t seem like very many people, men or women, are really programmed to be strictly monogamous. Monogamy does seem to be more of a cultural invention.”
The Chimpanzee-Bonobo Spectrum
Dr. Taraban references the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, noting that humans fall somewhere between our two closest primate relatives:
Chimpanzees: Hierarchical, aggressive, territorial. Few high-status males control most females.
Bonobos: Egalitarian, sex-positive. They use sex for communication, bonding, and conflict resolution, not just reproduction.
“Humans are kind of halfway between these two,” suggesting we exist on a spectrum from strict monogamy to polyamory.
Monogamish vs. Strict Monogamy
Dr. Taraban endorses Esther Perel’s term “monogamish”—acknowledging that “strict hard line of permanent indefinite sexual exclusivity can be a very difficult thing for a lot of people, especially men.”
According to research published in The Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, infidelity occurs in 20-25% of marriages, suggesting many people struggle with strict monogamy.
The Power-Temptation Connection
Dr. Taraban observes a pattern with high-status men: “I’ve watched on the news stories of politicians and athletes and celebrities all fall because they got to fuck the intern on the desk.”
Why would successful men risk everything for affairs? Possibly because “that could also be why those men became so successful and powerful to begin with”—sexual access motivated the achievement.
“It’s like saying I worked 10-20 years on something but then once I achieve it I can’t enjoy the perks of that status or that achievement, which is a tough sell.”
Staying Together for the Kids: A Flawed Strategy?
Dr. Taraban challenges the conventional wisdom that parents should stay together “for the kids”:
The Hidden Cost to Children
Even when parents avoid overt conflict, children pick up on dysfunction: “There’s a weird vibe in the house. Mommy and daddy don’t talk to each other at the dinner table. There’s this icy coldness or maybe they hear them fighting when they’re supposed to be asleep.”
This creates templates that children carry into their own relationships: “They end up entering into relationships that mimic their parents’ problems and they’re just kicking the can down the road.”
Research from Child Development shows that children from high-conflict intact families often have worse outcomes than children from low-conflict divorced families.
The 20-Year Question
Dr. Taraban suggests a thought experiment for parents in unhappy marriages: “Imagine it’s 20 years from now and your little girl or little boy is all grown up and they come to you and say, ‘Daddy, my husband beats me’ or ‘my wife hasn’t slept with me in five years.’ What are you going to tell that kid?”
If you wouldn’t advise your adult child to stay in a miserable relationship, why model that behavior yourself?
When Relationships Should End
Dr. Taraban argues relationships aren’t unconditional: “As soon as the other person believes that they’re entitled to that relationship no matter what they do or do not do, that’s when things start to become monstrous.”
He draws a historical parallel: “All of the greatest abuses have come from individuals who for whatever reason could not be removed from their position. They were emperors or popes… They were infallible and they could only be deposed by violence.”
Consequences matter. Like employment, relationships require ongoing effort and good behavior: “You have to keep showing up and doing your job well while creating a minimum amount of problems in order to continue to have your job. That’s a decent relationship model.”
The Path Forward: Alternatives to Traditional Marriage
Rather than returning to past models or letting everything collapse, Dr. Taraban suggests we’re at “a really interesting moment in history”:
Conscious Relationship Design
“We don’t have to go back to the way things were, which is great because we can’t. But we also don’t have to let everything fall apart and go to shit either.”
The opportunity is to “consciously choose what parts of this we want to keep and which parts of this we can dispense with.” This might include:
- Long-term relationships without legal marriage
- Clear agreements about monogamy vs. openness
- Separate finances even in committed relationships
- Living apart together (LAT relationships)
- Co-parenting without romantic partnership
Tolerance for Diversity
“We have to have enough tolerance and respect for other people that what you decide for your relationship, Sean, might be different from what I decide for my own relationship, and that’s fucking okay.”
Research from The National Bureau of Economic Research shows increasing diversity in relationship structures, from cohabitation to polyamory to communal living arrangements.
Unbundling Marriage
Rather than expecting one relationship to fulfill all needs, consider:
- Maintaining close same-sex friendships
- Seeking different needs from different people
- Reducing pressure on the romantic relationship
- Having realistic expectations
As Dr. Taraban advises: “Only go to your partner for a few things and go to that person for things that you can’t get anywhere else because it’s generally going to be easier, cheaper, and many times more satisfying to get those needs met in other types of relationships.”
Practical Advice for Men Considering Marriage
Given these realities, what should men do?
1. Wait Until At Least 35
Dr. Taraban recommends men “don’t seriously consider marriage or long-term relationship until they’re at least 35” because:
- You’ve built career success and financial stability
- You’ve developed emotional maturity
- You’ve experienced being “the prize”
- You understand your preferences and deal-breakers
- Your sexual market value is high, improving your options
2. Understand the Incentives
Be clear-eyed about the economic and legal realities:
- Research divorce laws in your state/country
- Understand asset division rules
- Consider prenuptial agreements
- Recognize the asymmetric risks
- Don’t marry someone who significantly out-earns you unless you’re comfortable with potential outcomes
3. Ensure Shared Purpose
According to research from The Gottman Institute, successful relationships have clear shared purpose. Dr. Taraban asks: “Why are you here? What are you here to do? Like it shouldn’t just be ‘I think you’re hot’ or ‘I don’t want to lose you to somebody else.'”
Define together:
- Are you building a family?
- Are you business/life partners?
- What specific goals unite you?
- What happens when those goals are achieved?
4. Manage Expectations
Dr. Taraban’s advice about relationships applies especially to marriage: “Want fewer things from each other.”
Don’t expect your partner to be everything. Maintain:
- Male friendships
- Individual hobbies and interests
- Separate identity and purpose
- Community connections
- Professional/creative outlets
5. Continuous Relationship Investment
The “dance” Dr. Taraban describes requires constant attention: “As both of you become different versions of yourself, you maintain enough connection and communication and togetherness to grow together.”
This requires:
- Regular relationship check-ins
- Couples therapy as maintenance, not crisis intervention
- Shared new experiences
- Mutual respect for individual growth
- Willingness to renegotiate terms as life changes
Conclusion: Redefining Success
Marriage in its traditional form may indeed be “almost impossible” under modern conditions. As Dr. Taraban explains in his conversation on Kim Sean’s podcast (full episode here), we’ve removed the factors that kept previous generations together—lack of options, social pressure, legal barriers—while dramatically increasing expectations for what marriage should provide.
The solution isn’t nostalgia for past constraints or abandoning commitment altogether. Instead, it’s honest assessment of:
- What marriage actually provides vs. what we expect
- How incentives differ for men and women
- Why relationships naturally tend toward instability
- What alternatives might work better for modern conditions
For men, this means approaching marriage with clear eyes rather than romantic idealism. Understand the risks, wait until you’re established and mature, choose partners wisely, define shared purpose clearly, and don’t expect one person to fulfill all your needs.
Most importantly, recognize that a relationship that ends after achieving its purpose isn’t necessarily a failure—it may be a success that reached its natural conclusion. The goal should be creating relationships that genuinely improve both partners’ lives for as long as they remain mutually beneficial.
References
- Taraban, O. (2025). Dating Doctor On What Women Really Want & The NEW Dating Rules To Attract Women. Kim Sean’s Podcast. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqXM3fmeYcs
- American Psychological Association. (2024). Marriage and Divorce. https://www.apa.org/topics/divorce-child-custody
- Pew Research Center. (2010). The Decline of Marriage and Rise of New Families. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2010/11/18/the-decline-of-marriage-and-rise-of-new-families/
- Putnam, R. D. (2000). Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon & Schuster. https://bowlingalone.com/
- World Bank. (2024). Fertility Rate, Total (Births per Woman). https://data.worldbank.org/indicator/SP.DYN.TFRT.IN
- U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics. (2017). Percentage of Employed Women Working Full Time. https://www.bls.gov/opub/ted/2017/percentage-of-employed-women-working-full-time-little-changed-over-past-5-decades.htm
- Taylor & Francis Online. (2024). The Journal of Sex Research. https://www.tandfonline.com/toc/hjsr20/current
- The Gottman Institute. (2024). Research FAQs. https://www.gottman.com/about/research/
- Institute for Family Studies. (2024). Research on Marriage and Family. https://ifstudies.org/
- National Marriage Project. (2024). State of Our Unions. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/
- Ryan, C., & Jethá, C. (2010). Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. Harper.
- Taylor & Francis Online. (2024). Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. https://www.tandfonline.com/toc/usmt20/current
- Wiley Online Library. (2024). Child Development. https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/journal/14678624
- National Bureau of Economic Research. (2024). Research Programs. https://www.nber.org/
- Cherlin, A. J. (2004). The deinstitutionalization of American marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 848-861.
- Amato, P. R., & Anthony, C. J. (2014). Estimating the effects of parental divorce and death with fixed effects models. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 370-386.
- Stevenson, B., & Wolfers, J. (2007). Marriage and divorce: Changes and their driving forces. Journal of Economic Perspectives, 21(2), 27-52.