What Women Want in Dating: The Truth Most Advice Gets Wrong

Explore the Mimetic Desire Theory and Dr. Taraban’s psychology-driven explanation of female attraction. Understand why women are drawn to pre-selected men, social proof, and multi-dimensional value in today’s dating world.

The short answer

Before we go deep: the research points to five things doing most of the work in female attraction — social proof (other women’s perceived interest), multi-dimensional value (status, humor, ambition, not just looks), emotional security and consistency, appropriate scarcity, and a handful of evolutionary fitness markers like symmetry and vocal tone. None of these operate alone, and none of them are about tricks or lines. The rest of this piece breaks down why.

“What do women want?” This question has perplexed philosophers, psychologists, and men throughout history. Even Sigmund Freud famously admitted he had no satisfactory answer to this age-old mystery. In a recent episode of the Dating Doctor podcast with Dr. Orion Taraban, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, we finally get some research-backed insights into female attraction that challenge conventional wisdom.

According to Dr. Taraban’s analysis in his conversation with host Sean (watch the full episode here), the answer is both simpler and more complex than most men realize: women want what other women want. This concept, rooted in mimetic desire theory, fundamentally changes how we understand female attraction and offers practical insights for men navigating the modern dating landscape.

The Mimetic Desire Theory: Women Want What Other Women Want

Dr. Taraban’s primary thesis challenges the notion that female attraction is primarily about individual male qualities. Instead, he argues that women’s desire is shaped less by a man’s individual traits and more by the mimetic signals — the visible interest of other women — that surround him.

This concept explains several puzzling phenomena in dating:

The Social Proof Effect

Research in social psychology supports Dr. Taraban’s observation. A study published in Scientific Reports found that women rated men as more attractive when they were shown with other women, demonstrating the “mate-choice copying” phenomenon. This evolutionary strategy makes practical sense: if other women have vetted a man, it serves as a quality signal that saves time and reduces risk.

Dr. Taraban uses the metaphor of a dock filled with ships to illustrate this point: crowds gathered near one boat signal to onlookers that it must be the safer or better choice. While potentially problematic — since everyone might be following each other without anyone having done actual research — it remains an efficient heuristic in a world of overwhelming options.

The Wedding Ring Phenomenon

One of the most fascinating real-world examples of mimetic desire is what Dr. Taraban calls “the ring phenomenon.” Multiple men report experiencing a significant uptick in female attention after getting married. The logic, as he frames it, is that at least one woman evaluated this man as worth a lifelong commitment — and that vetting becomes a visible signal to everyone else.

This pre-selection signal becomes even more powerful when the wife herself is attractive, suggesting that a high-value woman conducted thorough vetting and chose this particular man among many options.

The Evolutionary Psychology Perspective

While mimetic desire explains much of female attraction, Dr. Taraban acknowledges that evolutionary psychology also plays a crucial role. Women are biologically programmed to seek certain traits that indicate genetic fitness:

Physical Markers of Health

Research consistently shows that women are attracted to:

• Facial symmetry: Studies suggest facial symmetry serves as an indirect indicator of fetal health, signaling that the baby experienced fewer developmental disruptions from pathogens or environmental stressors
• Physical strength and size: Markers of the ability to provide protection and resources
• Good genes: Overall indicators of genetic quality that would benefit offspring

A meta-analysis published in Psychological Bulletin confirmed that facial attractiveness, which includes symmetry, is a significant predictor of mate selection across cultures, supporting the evolutionary basis of these preferences.

Beyond Physical Attraction

However, Dr. Taraban notes an important distinction between male and female attraction: men’s perceived value in the eyes of women is often weighted toward non-physical qualities rather than looks alone. Unlike male attraction, which is heavily weighted toward physical appearance and youth, women consider:

• Social status and power
• Financial resources and stability
• Humor and charm
• Emotional intelligence and communication skills
• Ambition and life trajectory

This multidimensional attraction profile means it simply takes longer to accurately assess a man’s value — which is part of why women lean on what other women want rather than doing that full accounting themselves.

Emotional Security: The Piece Most Dating Advice Skips

Alongside social proof and evolutionary fitness markers sits something less flashy but arguably more important for anything beyond a first spark: consistency. Decades of relationship research from psychologist John Gottman found that in stable, long-term couples, partners responded positively to each other’s small emotional bids — a comment, a glance, a request for attention — the vast majority of the time, while couples headed for divorce did so far less often. Translated to dating: women read early, ordinary moments (how you respond when she’s tired, distracted, or venting about her day) as a preview of how safe it will feel to depend on you later. Confidence and status get attention. Consistency is what turns attention into trust.

The Safety Paradox: Why Women Approach Married Men

An intriguing insight from Dr. Taraban’s discussion involves understanding why married men might receive more female attention — beyond just social proof. Women may perceive married men as “safer” to approach because there’s an assumed guarantee that nothing romantic will develop, given his marital status.

This creates an interesting dynamic where women feel more comfortable being friendly and genuine with married men, without always accounting for the fact that men — married or not — are prone to misreading that friendliness. Research published in Psychological Science confirms that men are significantly more likely than women to misinterpret friendly behavior as sexual interest — a phenomenon that contributes to this paradox.

The Behavioral Center: Why Women Follow the Herd

Dr. Taraban introduces another crucial concept: women tend to gravitate toward the “fattest part of the behavioral curve” — the middle of the herd where safety lies. He argues this instinct explains much about female behavior and even contributes to rising rates of depression and anxiety among women.

The Social Media Amplification Effect

In the age of Instagram and TikTok, women are exposed to curated highlight reels that compress a dozen enviable life milestones — motherhood, travel, career wins, a packed social calendar — into a single feed. This constant comparison generates anxiety: the unconscious sense that everyone else is keeping pace with an impossible standard, while you’re falling behind it.

Research from the American Psychological Association shows that social media use is indeed correlated with increased anxiety and depression, particularly among young women, supporting Dr. Taraban’s hypothesis that the perceived deviation from the behavioral center creates psychological distress.

Physical fitness and style can create initial attraction, but women assess a man’s confidence, social value, ambition, and emotional intelligence too.

The Matthew Principle in Sexual Relationships

Dr. Taraban references the biblical Matthew Principle — the idea that abundance flows toward those who already have it — to explain sexual marketplace dynamics. In dating terms: the men who least need more romantic attention tend to be the ones receiving the most of it.

This creates a winner-take-all dynamic familiar to most men from their high school years, where a small handful of popular guys drew the bulk of female interest. This concentration of female interest on a small percentage of males has been documented in dating app data, with studies showing that women rate 80% of men as “below average” in attractiveness on platforms like OkCupid.

Scarcity and Value: The Psychology of Want

An important dimension to female attraction involves the relationship between scarcity and desire. Dr. Taraban notes that wanting something implies both desiring it and lacking it — and these two ideas are deeply intertwined in human psychology.

He observes that people are often happier anticipating something they want than they are once they’ve actually obtained it. This explains why unavailable men — whether married, emotionally distant, or simply scarce with their attention — often generate more intense female interest than those who are readily available.

Research in behavioral economics supports this “scarcity principle.” Studies show that people assign higher value to things that are less available, and this applies to romantic relationships as well. The challenge lies in creating appropriate scarcity without manipulation or game-playing.

Practical Implications for Men

Understanding these dynamics offers several actionable insights for men:

1. Build Social Proof

Rather than focusing solely on direct approaches, invest in building a social life where you’re seen as valued by others, particularly other women. This doesn’t mean manipulating or using people, but rather developing genuine friendships and social connections that naturally demonstrate your value.

2. Focus on Multi-Dimensional Value

Since women assess men across multiple dimensions beyond physical appearance, invest in:

• Career development and financial stability
• Social skills and emotional intelligence
• Interesting hobbies and experiences
• Physical fitness and style
• Leadership and decisiveness

3. Understand Timing and Context

Recognize that female attraction is influenced by social context, hormonal cycles, and peer perception. What attracts a woman isn’t fixed but varies based on these factors.

4. Avoid Excessive Availability

While you should be reliable and trustworthy, being overly available or putting women on pedestals often backfires. Maintain your own life, interests, and social circle rather than making any one woman your entire world.

5. Practice Consistency Over Grand Gestures

Show up the same way in small moments as you would in big ones — respond to her when she reaches out, follow through on plans, stay level when she’s stressed. This is the least glamorous item on the list and the one the research suggests matters most for anything past the first few dates.

Frequently Asked Questions

What do women really want in a man? Research points to a mix of factors working together: social proof (how other women respond to him), multi-dimensional value beyond looks (status, humor, ambition, emotional intelligence), a handful of evolutionary fitness markers, and — for anything long-term — consistency and emotional security.

Is mimetic desire theory scientifically supported? The broader phenomenon it describes, “mate-choice copying,” has been studied in social psychology and shown in controlled studies: women do rate men as more attractive when other women appear interested in them. Mimetic desire theory itself is a framework, not a single peer-reviewed finding, but it’s consistent with that research.

Why do married men sometimes get more female attention? Two mechanisms combine: social proof (another woman already chose him) and perceived safety (women may feel freer to be warm and open with a man who’s off the market, since there’s a built-in expectation nothing romantic will follow).

Does playing hard to get actually work? Scarcity can genuinely increase perceived value — this is well-documented in behavioral economics, not just dating folklore. But it only works alongside real value; manufactured scarcity with nothing behind it tends to read as game-playing and erodes trust instead of building it.

Conclusion

The question “what do women want?” doesn’t have a simple answer because female attraction operates through multiple, sometimes competing systems — evolutionary biology, social proof, mimetic desire, and individual preference all play roles.

Dr. Taraban’s insights from his conversation on the Dating Doctor podcast (full episode here) reveal that understanding female attraction requires moving beyond simplistic advice. Women are attracted to men who other women want, who display markers of genetic fitness, and who maintain appropriate scarcity and independence.

For men, this means success in dating requires a holistic approach: building genuine value across multiple dimensions, cultivating social proof, understanding psychological principles of attraction, and — perhaps most importantly — not seeking all your validation from romantic relationships.

The modern dating landscape may be complex, but understanding these fundamental principles of female psychology provides a roadmap for men willing to invest in genuine self-improvement and social intelligence.

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References

1. Dating Doctor On What Women Really Want & The NEW Dating Rules To Attract Women. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqXM3fmeYcs
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3. Little, A. C., Jones, B. C., & DeBruine, L. M. (2011). Facial attractiveness: evolutionary based research. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 366(1571), 1638-1659.
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