Explore the Mimetic Desire Theory and Dr. Taraban’s psychology-driven explanation of female attraction. Understand why women are drawn to pre-selected men, social proof, and multi-dimensional value in today’s dating world.
“What do women want?” This question has perplexed philosophers, psychologists, and men throughout history. Even Sigmund Freud famously admitted he had no satisfactory answer to this age-old mystery. In a recent episode of the Dating Doctor podcast with Dr. Orion Taraban, a clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, we finally get some research-backed insights into female attraction that challenge conventional wisdom.
According to Dr. Taraban’s analysis in his conversation with host Sean (watch the full episode here), the answer is both simpler and more complex than most men realize: women want what other women want. This concept, rooted in mimetic desire theory, fundamentally changes how we understand female attraction and offers practical insights for men navigating the modern dating landscape.
The Mimetic Desire Theory: Women Want What Other Women Want
Dr. Taraban’s primary thesis challenges the notion that female attraction is primarily about individual male qualities. Instead, he argues that “women want what other women want. It’s less to do with men than it has to do with mimetic desire that women are perceiving around them.”
This concept explains several puzzling phenomena in dating:
The Social Proof Effect
Research in social psychology supports Dr. Taraban’s observation. A study published in Scientific Reports found that women rated men as more attractive when they were shown with other women, demonstrating the “mate-choice copying” phenomenon. This evolutionary strategy makes practical sense: if other women have vetted a man, it serves as a quality signal that saves time and reduces risk.
Dr. Taraban uses the metaphor of a dock filled with ships to illustrate this point: “Passengers use the size of the crowd already standing in front of a given boat” to make decisions. While potentially problematic—since everyone might be following each other without anyone having done actual research—it remains an efficient heuristic in a world of overwhelming options.
The Wedding Ring Phenomenon
One of the most fascinating real-world examples of mimetic desire is what Dr. Taraban calls “the ring phenomenon.” Multiple men report experiencing a significant uptick in female attention after getting married. As he explains: “At least one woman in the world said, ‘This was the very best man that I could possibly get and I thought I was safe and excited enough to move forward with a lifelong commitment to him.'”
This pre-selection signal becomes even more powerful when the wife herself is attractive, suggesting that a high-value woman conducted thorough vetting and chose this particular man among many options.
The Evolutionary Psychology Perspective
While mimetic desire explains much of female attraction, Dr. Taraban acknowledges that evolutionary psychology also plays a crucial role. Women are biologically programmed to seek certain traits that indicate genetic fitness:
Physical Markers of Health
Research consistently shows that women are attracted to:
- Facial symmetry: Studies suggest facial symmetry serves as an indirect indicator of fetal health, signaling that the baby experienced fewer developmental disruptions from pathogens or environmental stressors
- Physical strength and size: Markers of the ability to provide protection and resources
- Good genes: Overall indicators of genetic quality that would benefit offspring
A meta-analysis published in Psychological Bulletin confirmed that facial attractiveness, which includes symmetry, is a significant predictor of mate selection across cultures, supporting the evolutionary basis of these preferences.
Beyond Physical Attraction
However, Dr. Taraban notes an important distinction between male and female attraction: “Men’s perceived value in the eyes of women is often based on non-physical attributes.” Unlike male attraction, which is heavily weighted toward physical appearance and youth, women consider:
- Social status and power
- Financial resources and stability
- Humor and charm
- Emotional intelligence and communication skills
- Ambition and life trajectory
This multidimensional attraction profile means that “it actually takes longer to get to know a man’s value accurately, which is part of the reason why women go on what other women want because they don’t have the time to really do the accounting.”
The Safety Paradox: Why Women Approach Married Men
An intriguing insight from Dr. Taraban’s discussion involves understanding why married men might receive more female attention—beyond just social proof. Women may perceive married men as “safer” to approach because “nothing is going to happen because this guy is married. He’s off the market. He’s not going to cheat.”
This creates an interesting dynamic where women feel more comfortable being friendly and genuine with married men, not realizing that “even married men take things the wrong way.” Research published in Psychological Science confirms that men are significantly more likely than women to misinterpret friendly behavior as sexual interest—a phenomenon that contributes to this paradox.
The Behavioral Center: Why Women Follow the Herd
Dr. Taraban introduces another crucial concept: women tend to gravitate toward the “fattest part of the behavioral curve”—the middle of the herd where safety lies. He argues this instinct explains much about female behavior and even contributes to rising rates of depression and anxiety among women.
The Social Media Amplification Effect
In the age of Instagram and TikTok, women are exposed to curated highlight reels showing other women “have babies, but also go to the Seychelles and also get master’s degrees and also give TED talks and also sit down and have brunch with the girls, but have time to take a Pilates class.”
This constant comparison generates anxiety: “Women are looking at other women and they’re getting this constant signal that they’re not doing all of the things, which is what all the other women seem to be doing, which gives them this unconscious signal that they’re kind of drifting out of the center.”
Research from the American Psychological Association shows that social media use is indeed correlated with increased anxiety and depression, particularly among young women, supporting Dr. Taraban’s hypothesis that the perceived deviation from the behavioral center creates psychological distress.
The Matthew Principle in Sexual Relationships
Dr. Taraban references the biblical Matthew Principle—”to those who have, even more will be given”—to explain sexual marketplace dynamics. In dating terms: “The men who don’t need any more sexual interest from women are the ones getting the vast amount of sexual interest.”
This creates a winner-take-all dynamic familiar to most men from their high school years, where “two or three guys were very popular and all the girls were gunning for them.” This concentration of female interest on a small percentage of males has been documented in dating app data, with studies showing that women rate 80% of men as “below average” in attractiveness on platforms like OkCupid.
Scarcity and Value: The Psychology of Want
An important dimension to female attraction involves the relationship between scarcity and desire. Dr. Taraban notes that “want means both to desire and to lack,” and these concepts are deeply intertwined in human psychology.
He observes that “people are happier living in hope of one day getting what they want than the satisfaction of actually having it.” This explains why unavailable men—whether married, emotionally distant, or simply scarce with their attention—often generate more intense female interest than those who are readily available.
Research in behavioral economics supports this “scarcity principle.” Studies show that people assign higher value to things that are less available, and this applies to romantic relationships as well. The challenge lies in creating appropriate scarcity without manipulation or game-playing.
Practical Implications for Men
Understanding these dynamics offers several actionable insights for men:
1. Build Social Proof
Rather than focusing solely on direct approaches, invest in building a social life where you’re seen as valued by others, particularly other women. This doesn’t mean manipulating or using people, but rather developing genuine friendships and social connections that naturally demonstrate your value.
2. Focus on Multi-Dimensional Value
Since women assess men across multiple dimensions beyond physical appearance, invest in:
- Career development and financial stability
- Social skills and emotional intelligence
- Interesting hobbies and experiences
- Physical fitness and style
- Leadership and decisiveness
3. Understand Timing and Context
Recognize that female attraction is influenced by social context, hormonal cycles, and peer perception. What attracts a woman isn’t fixed but varies based on these factors.
4. Avoid Excessive Availability
While you should be reliable and trustworthy, being overly available or putting women on pedestals often backfires. Maintain your own life, interests, and social circle rather than making any one woman your entire world.
Conclusion
The question “what do women want?” doesn’t have a simple answer because female attraction operates through multiple, sometimes competing systems—evolutionary biology, social proof, mimetic desire, and individual preference all play roles.
Dr. Taraban’s insights from his conversation on the Dating Doctor podcast (full episode here) reveal that understanding female attraction requires moving beyond simplistic advice. Women are attracted to men who other women want, who display markers of genetic fitness, and who maintain appropriate scarcity and independence.
For men, this means success in dating requires a holistic approach: building genuine value across multiple dimensions, cultivating social proof, understanding psychological principles of attraction, and—perhaps most importantly—not seeking all your validation from romantic relationships.
The modern dating landscape may be complex, but understanding these fundamental principles of female psychology provides a roadmap for men willing to invest in genuine self-improvement and social intelligence.
References
- Dating Doctor On What Women Really Want & The NEW Dating Rules To Attract Women. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqXM3fmeYcs
- Place, S. S., Todd, P. M., Penke, L., & Asendorpf, J. B. (2010). Humans show mate copying after observing real mate choices. Evolution and Human Behavior, 31(5), 320-325.
- Little, A. C., Jones, B. C., & DeBruine, L. M. (2011). Facial attractiveness: evolutionary based research. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society B, 366(1571), 1638-1659.
- Rhodes, G. (2006). The evolutionary psychology of facial beauty. Annual Review of Psychology, 57, 199-226.
- Abbey, A. (1982). Sex differences in attributions for friendly behavior: Do males misperceive females’ friendliness? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 42(5), 830-838.
- American Psychological Association. (2017). Social media use linked with increased depression among young adults. ScienceDaily.
- Rudder, C. (2014). Dataclysm: Who We Are When We Think No One’s Looking. Crown Publishers.
- Cialdini, R. B. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Harper Business.
- Buss, D. M. (2003). The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. Basic Books.
- Fisher, H. (2004). Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt and Company.