What Is Situationship?
You’ve been seeing someone for months. You text daily, spend weekends together, maybe even have a toothbrush at their place. But when your friend asks, “So, are you two official?” you freeze. You’re not just casually dating, but you’re not exactly in a relationship either. Welcome to the situationship—the modern dating phenomenon that leaves millions stuck in romantic limbo.
Quick Definition
A situationship is an undefined romantic or sexual connection that has the emotional intensity and time commitment of a relationship without the clarity, labels, or mutual agreement about what it actually is. It exists in the gray area between casual dating and a committed partnership, characterized by ambiguity about exclusivity, future plans, and relationship status. Unlike friends with benefits (which is typically just physical), a situationship often includes emotional intimacy—but without the security of knowing where you stand.
What Experts Say
According to a recent Psychology Today article on modern dating terms, despite concerns about loneliness, people are often reluctant to date because modern dating has introduced a new level of deceit and ambiguity. The technology that connects us has paradoxically made genuine connection more elusive.
Relationship expert Dr. Venus Nicolino explains that “We are in the process of redefining how humans communicate and potentially how we fall in love,” noting that when we spend the majority of our courting process using electronic communication, “We are basically having a relationship with the most insecure parts of ourselves.”
Origins & Cultural Context
The term “situationship” emerged in the 2010s, gaining widespread usage on social media platforms like Twitter and Instagram. It reflects broader shifts in dating culture: the rise of dating apps that provide endless options, delayed milestones (like marriage) among millennials and Gen Z, and a general cultural move toward non-traditional relationship structures.
Unlike previous generations who followed clearer dating scripts—going steady, getting pinned, becoming engaged—today’s daters navigate an uncharted landscape where “What are we?” has become one of the most anxiety-inducing questions in modern romance. The situationship represents both the freedom and the confusion of contemporary dating: you can customize your relationship, but without a roadmap, many people end up lost.
Real-Life Signs of Situationship
- You regularly spend time together and have emotional or physical intimacy, but neither of you has defined what you are to each other
- One or both of you avoid the “What are we?” conversation
- You’re not sure if you’re exclusive, and it feels risky to ask
- You haven’t met each other’s friends or family, or if you have, it was informal with no labels attached
- Future plans are vague—nothing beyond next weekend
- You act like a couple in private but maintain ambiguity in public or on social media
- When friends ask about your relationship status, you struggle to explain it
- There’s an unspoken understanding that discussing “the relationship” might ruin what you have
- You feel anxious about where things are going but fear bringing it up
- One person seems more invested than the other
Why People Do This (Psychology Behind It)
Several psychological factors drive people into situationships:
Fear of Vulnerability and Rejection: Defining a relationship requires emotional risk. By keeping things undefined, people protect themselves from potential rejection or heartbreak. If it’s never official, it can’t officially end.
Avoidant Attachment Style: Those with avoidant attachment patterns often struggle with emotional intimacy and commitment. A situationship allows them to experience connection while maintaining emotional distance and an escape route.
The Paradox of Choice: Dating apps create an illusion of endless options. People may resist defining one relationship because they’re still exploring other possibilities or simply don’t want to close doors.
Emotional Immaturity: Some people genuinely want connection but lack the emotional maturity or communication skills to navigate the vulnerability required for commitment.
Self-Protection After Past Hurt: If someone has been hurt in previous relationships, they might unconsciously create situationships as a defense mechanism—getting close enough to feel connected but not close enough to be truly vulnerable.
Neuropsychologist and teaching faculty at Columbia University, Sanam Hafeez, notes that today, most dating initiates online, and for the first few days or even weeks prior to the first date, people are just talking through text, which creates a detachment and a culture in which we feel no responsibility for someone else’s confusion—setting the stage for ambiguous connections like situationships.
The Emotional Impact on You
Situationships can take a significant toll on mental health and self-esteem:
Chronic Anxiety and Rumination: Not knowing where you stand creates persistent uncertainty. You might obsessively analyze texts, wonder about their feelings, or stress about whether seeing other people would be betrayal or completely acceptable.
Erosion of Self-Worth: When someone won’t commit to you or define the relationship, you might internalize it as evidence that you’re not “enough.” This is especially damaging when you’re ready for commitment but your partner isn’t.
Emotional Exhaustion: The constant ambiguity is draining. You’re investing emotional energy without the security and reciprocity that comes with defined commitment.
Trust Issues: Experiencing repeated situationships can make you skeptical about people’s intentions and fearful of vulnerability in future relationships.
Stunted Emotional Growth: Situationships can keep you stuck in a holding pattern, preventing you from either building something meaningful with one person or moving on to find someone who wants what you want.
Research indicates that ambiguous relationships correlate with increased anxiety, lower life satisfaction, and feelings of insecurity. When we lack clarity about our romantic connections, it activates our attachment systems and can trigger feelings of rejection even when no actual rejection has occurred.
What To Do If It Happens To You
Immediate Steps
Get Clear on What You Want: Before talking to the other person, figure out what you actually want. Do you want a committed relationship? Are you okay with casual? Be honest with yourself about your needs and boundaries.
Assess the Pattern: Look at their actions, not just their words. Are they introducing you to important people in their life? Making future plans? Or are they keeping you compartmentalized?
Communication Options
Initiate the DTR (Define the Relationship) Talk: Choose a calm moment—not right after sex or during a fight—and be direct: “I’ve really enjoyed the time we’ve been spending together. I’d like to talk about what we are and where this is going.”
Use “I” Statements: Instead of “You never want to commit,” try “I need more clarity about what we’re doing. I’m looking for a committed relationship, and I need to know if that’s something you want too.”
Give Them Space to Be Honest: They might need time to think. That’s okay. But set a reasonable timeframe for getting an answer.
Boundary-Setting
Be Clear About Your Non-Negotiables: If exclusivity matters to you, say so. If meeting each other’s friends is important, express that.
Don’t Accept Breadcrumbs: If someone says they’re “not ready” but continues to act like your partner, that’s unfair. You deserve someone who’s ready.
Self-Care
Lean on Your Support System: Talk to trusted friends about what you’re experiencing. Sometimes an outside perspective helps.
Maintain Your Independence: Don’t put your life on hold for someone who won’t commit. Keep investing in your hobbies, friendships, and goals.
Consider Walking Away: If someone can’t or won’t give you what you need, it may be time to end it. That’s not giving up—it’s respecting yourself.
Long-Term Dating Strategies
Communicate Expectations Early: On early dates, have honest conversations about what you’re looking for. If someone wants casual and you want serious, that’s important to know upfront.
Watch for Consistency: Pay attention to whether someone’s words match their actions over time.
Don’t Settle for Ambiguity: If defining the relationship has become a pattern you’re avoiding, examine why. You deserve clarity.
How To Avoid Doing This to Others
If you recognize situationship behaviors in yourself:
Be Honest About Your Capacity: If you’re not ready for commitment, say so. It’s kinder than leading someone on.
Don’t Act Like a Partner If You’re Not: If you’re keeping things casual, don’t create false intimacy by behaving like someone’s significant other.
Communicate Early and Often: Check in about expectations. Don’t assume the other person is okay with ambiguity.
Respect Their Timeline: If someone wants to define things and you’re not ready, let them go rather than stringing them along.
Examine Your Fears: Are you avoiding commitment because of legitimate timing issues, or because of fear? Consider working with a therapist to understand your patterns.
Healthier Alternatives / Green Flags
Healthy relationships—even in their early stages—have these characteristics:
- Clear Communication: Both people feel safe asking questions and expressing needs
- Consistency: Words match actions; someone who’s interested shows up consistently
- Mutual Investment: Both people are putting in effort and prioritizing the connection
- Forward Movement: The relationship naturally progresses over time
- Respect for Readiness: If someone isn’t ready to commit, they’re honest about it and don’t waste your time
- Integration into Life: You meet each other’s friends and family when appropriate
- Defined Expectations: You both know where you stand and what you mean to each other
The Gottman Institute’s research shows that for every negative interaction, a stable and happy relationship has five or more positive interactions, or a ratio of 5:1—but this can only be measured when both people are committed to building something together.
Red Flags To Watch For
- Consistently avoiding the “What are we?” conversation or getting defensive when it comes up
- Only making last-minute plans or only reaching out late at night
- Keeping you separate from their “real life” (friends, family, social media)
- Hot and cold behavior—intense one week, distant the next
- Saying they’re “not ready” for a relationship but acting like your partner
- Making you feel crazy or demanding for wanting clarity
- Always having an excuse for why “now isn’t the right time” to get serious
When To Walk Away
It’s time to leave when:
- You’ve clearly communicated what you need, and they can’t or won’t provide it
- The ambiguity is causing you significant distress or affecting your self-esteem
- Months have passed with no forward movement
- They’re comfortable with the situation while you’re suffering
- You realize you’re waiting for them to change rather than accepting who they are right now
- Your friends and family are concerned about how this is affecting you
Final Takeaway
Situationships aren’t inherently bad—some people genuinely enjoy casual, undefined connections. The problem arises when one person wants more but accepts less, hoping things will change. You deserve someone who is sure about you, who wants to define what you are, and who’s willing to build something real. If you find yourself in endless ambiguity, remember: clarity is kindness, and the right person won’t leave you guessing.