What is roaching in dating? Learn why someone may act exclusive while seeing others—and why clarity, not confrontation, is the real solution.
You’ve been seeing someone for about six weeks. Things feel promising—regular dates, good chemistry, intimate conversations. You’re not officially exclusive yet, but the way they act around you suggests you’re the only one. Then a mutual friend mentions seeing them on a date with someone else last week. Your stomach drops. When you confront them, they shrug: “We never said we were exclusive. I thought you knew I was seeing other people.” You didn’t know. They deliberately kept you in the dark, allowing you to believe you were their only focus while they maintained multiple connections. You’ve been roached—and where there’s one other person, there are probably several more you don’t know about.
Quick Definition
Roaching is the act of hiding the fact that you’re dating multiple people at once. The name, supposedly coined by the website Ask Men, is actually pretty accurate for the phenomenon it describes: “roaching” derives from the common theory that, if you spot one cockroach in any given location, the likelihood is that there are a lot of other cockroaches nearby, even if you can’t see them. Men’s Health
Credible Source Quote
“Roaching” is the act of dating multiple people without communicating this clearly to someone who might believe that you’re in an exclusive relationship. Its name comes from the common saying that if you see one roach, there’s bound to be an infestation – implying that if you find your partner dating one other person, they may well be dating many more. Attachment Project The key phrase in the definition of roaching? Intentionally hiding. There is nothing inherently wrong with dating multiple people at once. Men’s Health
Origins & Cultural Context
The term “roaching” was coined by AskMen around 2017, though the behavior predates the terminology. The metaphor is viscerally effective: just as spotting one cockroach suggests a hidden infestation, discovering one additional partner often reveals several more.
While dating and/or sleeping with several people at once and intentionally keeping it a secret sounds like a textbook definition of cheating, there is something of an ethical grey area to roaching, due to the frequently casual nature of modern dating. Men’s Health
Dating apps have made roaching easier and more common. Dating apps make it easier to find new connections, maintain relationships with them without a lot of effort, and hide relationships from current partners. Attachment Project You can compartmentalize multiple relationships in different apps and chat threads, keeping each person unaware of the others.
The behavior thrives in the ambiguous space before the “exclusivity talk”—a modern dating phenomenon where commitment isn’t assumed but must be explicitly negotiated.
Real-Life Signs of Roaching
Watch for these warning signs that you’re being kept in the dark:
- Excessive privacy: It’s normal to keep some things to yourself, but privacy around certain common details like where they work or live, or who their friends are, might be an indication that they’re hiding something. Attachment Project
- Flaking and changing plans: If your partner routinely changes plans last minute and there’s no other explanation, like a job where they might be on-call, they might be making plans with other people. Attachment Project
- Unable to answer unexpected calls or messages: If there’s no explanation for their absence, it could be that they’re with someone else. Attachment Project
- Vagueness about future plans: If your partner is seeing other people, they may find it difficult to lock in future dates or talk about long term plans. Attachment Project
- Reluctance to define the relationship: A roacher might deflect questions about the relationship’s status, claiming they “don’t like labels” or “want to see where things go.” TalktoAngel
- Inconsistent availability: In cases of roaching in dating, this often happens because the person is juggling multiple connections and showing up only when it’s convenient. Marriage
- Vague about whereabouts: Someone who’s hiding other partners may avoid sharing details that could reveal conflicts or timelines. Marriage
- Protective of phone/social media: They angle their screen away, leave the room for calls, or react strongly to casual questions about who they’re texting
Why People Do This (Psychology Behind It)
Keeping Options Open: The primary motivation is maintaining multiple potential partners without committing to any single one. They want the benefits of connection without accountability.
Fear of Confrontation: Some people believe that full honesty might lead to confrontation, rejection, or having to make a choice. So instead, they hold the cards close—keeping multiple connections going without letting anyone in fully. Marriage
Belief in Partner Deception: One partner’s deception in relationships has been associated with their belief that the other person is also deceiving them, an attempt to avoid the consequences of their actions, and their attachment needs. Attachment Project
Exploiting the Grey Area: In modern dating, exclusivity isn’t assumed—it must be discussed. Roachers exploit this ambiguity to avoid being technically dishonest while still being deceptive.
Control and Power: It may feel like control to them, but it often leaves others confused or hurt. Emotional safety grows from openness, not control. Marriage
Avoidant Attachment: Those with avoidant attachment patterns may roach to prevent getting too close to any one person.
Validation Seeking: Multiple partners provide multiple sources of validation and attention.
The Emotional Impact on You
Betrayal and Confusion: Even if you weren’t technically exclusive, the deception creates feelings of betrayal. You made decisions based on incomplete information.
Erosion of Trust: Trust grows through openness, not confusion. Marriage Discovering you’ve been roached makes trusting future partners more difficult.
Self-Doubt: You question your judgment—how did you miss the signs? Were you naive to assume exclusivity?
Health Risks: When you’re unsure about whether your partner is exclusive or not the risk of contracting STDs is greater, so it’s important to use a barrier method of contraception whatever other birth control you use. Tyla
Wasted Time: You invested time and emotional energy based on false assumptions about the relationship’s status.
Feeling Disposable: Being one of many makes you feel replaceable and undervalued.
What To Do If It Happens To You
Assess the Situation
Determine Intent: While it might not be fun to learn that an individual is dating multiple people, if they have not intentionally hidden that information from you or lied it is not technically roaching. Sometimes we just don’t have all of the information about a person that we want to have because disclosure takes time. Men’s Health
Consider the Timeline: At early points in a relationship — especially before you and your partner have DTR’d — the two of you may be unclear about what the other wants. The List
Examine Communication: Did they actively deceive you, or did you make assumptions? Both matter, but the former is worse.
Have the Conversation
Be Direct: Communicate, communicate, and communicate some more. If you want to be the only person someone is dating, and vice versa, you need to communicate that. Men’s Health
Name What Happened: “I just learned you’ve been dating other people while we’ve been seeing each other. I wish you’d told me.”
Ask Questions: In order to make the right choice for yourself, you need the right information. And that starts with having a real conversation about what’s going on. The List
Define What You Want: If you want to be exclusive but are not ready to enter a more serious monogamous partnership, here’s one way you could start that conversation: “I’m really enjoying getting to know you. Would you be open to seeing each other exclusively during this stage so that we can both focus our attention on one another?” Men’s Health
Decide Your Next Steps
Evaluate Their Response: Are they defensive and dismissive, or do they take accountability for the lack of transparency?
Set Clear Terms: If you still want to be with this person but don’t want your relationship to get too serious too soon, that’s okay. Be clear on your expectations, practice safe sex, and get regular STD testing. The List
Walk Away If Needed: If you discover you’ve been roached, have a calm conversation with your partner about your different approaches. Make sure you’re on the same page about what you want from the relationship, and be prepared to part ways if your needs aren’t aligned. Marriage
How To Avoid Doing This to Others
Be Upfront Early: If you’re dating multiple people, say so clearly before things get intimate or emotionally involved.
Don’t Create False Impressions: Acting like someone is your only focus when they’re not is deceptive, regardless of technical exclusivity.
Have the DTR Conversation: Don’t let ambiguity linger for months. Define what you’re doing.
Be Honest About Your Intentions: If you’re not looking for exclusivity, state that clearly rather than letting someone assume otherwise.
Consider Their Perspective: How would you feel being kept in the dark? Treat others with the transparency you’d want.
Update as Things Change: If you start seeing someone new, tell the people you’re already dating.
Healthier Alternatives / Green Flags
Contrast roaching with ethical non-monogamy or honest dating:
- Transparent communication: They tell you they’re dating others before you have to ask
- No hidden information: Basic facts about their life and schedule are freely shared
- Consistent availability: They don’t mysteriously disappear for days
- Defined terms: Everyone involved knows what the relationship is and isn’t
- Respect for autonomy: They acknowledge your right to make informed decisions
- No deflection: They don’t avoid the exclusivity conversation indefinitely
- Ethical approach: Honest openness strengthens love—ethical non-monogamy is transparent while roaching hides. Marriage
Red Flags To Watch For
- Six weeks or more of regular dating with no clarity on status
- They deflect every attempt to define the relationship
- Mysterious unavailability at certain times
- Vagueness about friends, work, living situation
- Excessive phone privacy
- Last-minute cancellations with weak excuses
- They avoid social media connection or public acknowledgment
- You never meet anyone from their life
- They’re fine with ambiguity for months on end
When To Walk Away
Roaching becomes a dealbreaker when:
- Deliberate Deception Is Clear: They actively hid their other relationships rather than simply not mentioning them
- After Honest Conversation: You’ve expressed your need for clarity or exclusivity and they continue avoiding commitment
- They Won’t Take Accountability: They gaslight you about expecting too much or reading too much into things
- Trust Is Broken: Even if you technically weren’t exclusive, the deception makes trust impossible
- Your Needs Aren’t Met: You want exclusivity and they want to keep dating others—you’re incompatible
- Pattern of Dishonesty: Roaching is part of larger patterns of deception
Final Takeaway
Roaching means hidden overlap—one person secretly dates others while implying exclusivity, so name what you need and co-create clear agreements to keep both hearts safe. Marriage While dating multiple people isn’t inherently wrong, hiding it is. Don’t wait months hoping exclusivity is implied—have the conversation early. And if someone deliberately keeps you in the dark about seeing others, that tells you everything you need to know about their character and integrity.