What Is Fleabagging?
You’ve dated five people in the past two years. Every single one was emotionally unavailable in some way—commitment-phobic, fresh out of a relationship, unwilling to integrate you into their life. Your friends keep pointing it out: “You have a type, and it’s the wrong type.” But somehow, stable, available partners just don’t excite you. The ones who actually want what you claim to want feel boring. The ones who keep you guessing, who you have to chase, who string you along—those are the ones you can’t let go of. You’re caught in a cycle of repeatedly choosing people who are wrong for you, and on some level, you know it. Welcome to fleabagging—a self-inflicted dating pattern where you consistently choose partners who can’t give you what you need, then wonder why relationships keep failing.
Quick Definition
In short, fleabagging refers to dating people who are all wrong for you. What distinguishes fleabagging from so many other dating trends, like orbiting, breadcrumbing, vulturing, and scrooging, is that it’s something you do to yourself, rather than something that you’re a victim of. Exclusivematchmaking
Credible Source Quote
Hayley suggests you “start to identify your role in the romantic choices you make. When you start to acknowledge, ‘Okay I should maintain a boundary’, or ‘Next time I’ll walk away at that red flag’, you’ll empower yourself to make different choices. If you really believe it’s them choosing you all the time, you’ll stay stuck.” Cosmopolitan Match’s dating expert Hayley Quinn describes it as being stuck in “dating disaster purgatory”—the toxic cycle of break up and make up, with that substandard person who does nothing but stress you out. Cosmopolitan
Origins & Cultural Context
The term “fleabagging” comes from the acclaimed BBC/Amazon series Fleabag, created by and starring Phoebe Waller-Bridge. The term fleabagging comes from the TV show, Fleabag, where we see Phoebe Waller–Bridge’s character constantly dating men that aren’t that great. Cosmopolitan Most notably, she falls for a Catholic priest—literally someone who’s taken a vow of celibacy and is definitionally unavailable.
The term gained widespread recognition in 2019-2020 as people identified with this painfully relatable pattern. According to a 2019 PlentyOfFish survey, half of singles feel they have consistently dated the wrong person for them. Interestingly, this trend is slightly more prevalent among women: a whopping 63% have done it, while just 38% of men have admitted to Fleabagging. Exclusivematchmaking
Real-Life Signs of Fleabagging
You’re fleabagging if you recognize these patterns:
- Ignoring red flags: You consistently overlook warning signs and choose to ignore behavior that is incompatible or unhealthy for a long-term relationship. Inquiretalk
- Repeating the same mistakes: You find yourself dating the same type of person with similar negative traits, even though the outcomes have been consistently disappointing. Inquiretalk
- Drawn to emotionally unavailable people: That crush who never texts back? You’re drawn to them like a moth to flame. Emotionally unavailable people become your type without you realizing it. SheBudgets
- Winning someone over feels better than being with them: The thrill of finally getting a text back or securing a date after weeks of trying lights up your brain like a reward. This pursuit pattern keeps you hooked on people who offer inconsistent attention. SheBudgets
- You’re always doing the emotional work: Look back at your dating history. Notice how many partners were physically present but emotionally checked out? These relationships leave you doing all the emotional work while they offer breadcrumbs of affection. SheBudgets
- Fear of being alone: You settle for someone who isn’t right for you out of fear of being single or being alone. Inquiretalk
- Dating out of loneliness: You can’t stand the thought of being single for more than a day and find yourself constantly open to dating anyone who comes along and shows you some affection. Mortal Support
- Stuck in situationships: You’re stuck in relationship limbo, where months have passed but nothing’s defined. Labels don’t exist, and meeting friends seems like a distant dream. SheBudgets
Why People Do This (Psychology Behind It)
Attachment Style Issues: Often, repeatedly falling into the same kinds of relationships comes down to your attachment style. According to attachment theory, which was developed by psychologist John Bowlby in the 1950s, the way you behave in your adult romantic relationships is often a reflection of your relationship with your mother/main caregiver as an infant. Exclusivematchmaking
Drawn to Patterns: As humans, we’re hard-wired to become drawn to patterns — it’s probably a deep-seated survival mechanism so we can create order amongst the chaos. Exclusivematchmaking We unconsciously recreate familiar dynamics, even unhealthy ones.
Savior Complex: A 2022 study by PsychTests published in Cision found that when it comes to relationships there are two types of people: Saviors, those who are drawn to people with problems, and Averters, those who want to stay away from people with any type of issues. Glam Saviors are drawn to “fixing” problematic partners.
Fear of Real Intimacy: Choosing the wrong person is an easy way to avoid emotional closeness. Slangspace If relationships consistently fail, you never have to face the vulnerability of true intimacy.
Low Self-Worth: You believe that you don’t deserve better and continue to date people who don’t treat you with respect and kindness. Inquiretalk
Drama Addiction: Some thrive on the ups and downs of toxic relationships. Slangspace Stable relationships feel boring compared to the emotional rollercoaster of dysfunction.
Unrealistic Expectations: You have unrealistic expectations about love and relationships, often influenced by media portrayals or societal pressure. Inquiretalk
Need to Be Needed: For other Saviors, their desire to be with problematic partners is steeped in being people-pleasers, a fear of being alone, or the need to be needed because it boosts one’s self-worth. Glam
The Emotional Impact on You
Chronic Disappointment: Every relationship ends the same way, reinforcing negative beliefs about love and partnership.
Erosion of Self-Worth: This can lead to emotional distress and low self-esteem. Slangspace Repeatedly choosing wrong partners makes you question your value.
Exhaustion: The constant cycle of hope, disappointment, and heartbreak is emotionally draining.
Stuck Development: You can’t move forward in life or relationships because you’re caught in destructive patterns.
Loneliness Despite Dating: There always seems to be something missing or a void that can’t be filled with all of your dates. Oftentimes, we focus too much on our relationships with others instead of working on ourselves. Mortal Support
Wasted Time: Years can pass in this cycle, preventing you from finding genuine partnership.
What To Do If It Happens To You
Recognize the Pattern
Identify Your “Type”: Take a look at all the people you’ve dated, most notably the ones your friends and family really didn’t like, and notice what they all have in common. Exclusivematchmaking
Examine Why You’re Drawn to Them: Ask yourself what it is that draws you to these people. You may not be able to find just one reason because there may be multiple reasons for it. Exclusivematchmaking
Acknowledge Your Role: “Someone ghosts you, whereas you fleabag yourself.” Sounds harsh, doesn’t it? It’s supposed to – without a few home truths, where would we be? Cosmopolitan
Break the Cycle
Make a Must-Have List: You may want to write a list of all your relationship must-haves to feel happy and fulfilled. While you’re at it, make a list of all your dealbreakers — the things you simply will not tolerate. Exclusivematchmaking
Go Against Your Instincts: If dating the same type of person is giving you the same disappointing results, then you probably want to reevaluate your type. The next time you find yourself drawn to your type, try to remember why things didn’t pan out with that same type of person last time. Elite Daily
Date Outside Your Comfort Zone: It’s not that you don’t have any other choices—the other dates simply don’t seem as “attractive” as that bad boy or girl. Dating someone outside of your comfort zone is a refreshing way to not only break the cycle, but create something really magical. Mortal Support
Set and Maintain Boundaries: When you don’t set proper boundaries with your partners, it’s the same as choosing to stay in toxic relationships over healthy ones. Mortal Support
Do the Internal Work
Explore Attachment Patterns: Take an online quiz to find out your attachment style if you don’t know it — consciously or unconsciously, your dating pattern may have to do with making up for what we didn’t get from your caregiver as a child. Exclusivematchmaking
Consider Therapy: Consider seeking online counseling or therapy to explore and address the underlying issues contributing to your fleabagging dating patterns. Inquiretalk
Take a Dating Break: If you find yourself continually attracting the wrong partners, take a break from dating to focus on self-discovery and personal growth. Inquiretalk
Work on Self-Love: It’s a well repeated cliché that we have to know and love ourselves before we are free and really able to love another. Might sound cheesy, but it’s true. Coupleworks
How To Avoid Doing This to Others
This section is unique to fleabagging since it’s something you do to yourself, not to others. The focus is on stopping the pattern:
Be Honest With Yourself: About what you truly want versus what you’re actually choosing
Don’t Settle Out of Fear: Being alone is better than being with the wrong person repeatedly
Seek Support: From friends who can provide objective perspective on your choices
Break the Cycle Before It Repeats: When you notice yourself drawn to familiar red flags, pause and redirect
Healthier Alternatives / Green Flags
Contrast fleabagging with healthy partner selection:
- Consistent availability – they show up reliably, not intermittently
- Emotional maturity – they can communicate, process feelings, handle conflict
- Clear interest – you never wonder where you stand
- Respectful treatment – kindness is consistent, not conditional
- Growth-oriented – they work on themselves and the relationship
- Your friends approve – the people who love you see their value
- You feel calm, not anxious – secure attachment, not constant worry
- They meet your actual needs – not just your unconscious patterns
Red Flags To Watch For
These are red flags in yourself that indicate you’re fleabagging:
- Every ex has the same core unavailability issue
- Friends consistently warn you about your choices
- “Boring” equals “actually healthy and available”
- You’re only attracted to people who are hard to pin down
- Stable people don’t excite you at all
- You’ve been dating for years but never had a real relationship
- You make excuses for obviously bad behavior
- You’re drawn to “fixer-uppers” in human form
- Pursue feels better than having
When To Walk Away
Fleabagging requires walking away from your pattern, not a specific person. Break the cycle when:
- Pattern Is Undeniable: You’ve dated the same unavailable type repeatedly
- Friends All Say the Same Thing: Multiple people who love you express concern about your choices
- Years Pass Without Progress: You’ve been dating actively but never building anything real
- Therapy Reveals the Pattern: Professional help illuminates your self-sabotage
- You’re Miserable: The cycle is causing more pain than being alone would
- You Recognize You Deserve Better: You finally believe you’re worth someone who actually shows up
Final Takeaway
Go for people who make time and effort for you and reciprocate this positive behavior! Eventually you’ll find yourself naturally choosing people who choose to prioritise you and in turn, allowing someone to love you as you are. Cosmopolitan Fleabagging is painful because the call is coming from inside the house—you’re the one making these choices. But that’s also empowering: you have the power to choose differently. Keep an open mind to the insight you might gain by dating a person who doesn’t fit your usual type. Even if it doesn’t turn into a relationship, it might just bring you one step closer to figuring out what you actually want in a relationship. Elite Daily Stop dating your pattern and start dating someone who’s actually good for you.