Practical Wisdom from Jason Wilson on the Mel Robbins Podcast
About Jason Wilson: Jason Wilson is a transformational leader, best-selling author, and founder of the Cave of Adullam Transformational Training Academy. His innovative approach to male emotional development has gained international recognition through award-winning documentaries and his powerful social media presence. Wilson combines martial arts discipline with emotional intelligence training to help boys and men heal from trauma and develop comprehensive masculinity. Connect with his work on Instagram or learn more at mrjasonwilson.com.
In a revealing discussion on the Mel Robbins Podcast, Jason Wilson shared invaluable insights about how women can better understand and support the men in their lives. His guidance addresses a question many women ask: “I can see he’s struggling, but how do I reach him?”
Understanding the Invisible Struggle
The first step in helping men is recognizing what you cannot see. Men in your life—sons, husbands, brothers, fathers—are likely battling internally in ways they’ve been conditioned to hide. Wilson emphasizes that families often “miss the forest for the trees,” overlooking genuine struggle because of the smile a man wears.
When a man consistently says “I’m good” or “Nothing’s wrong,” that’s a warning sign, not reassurance. These automatic responses reflect decades of social conditioning that taught men vulnerability equals weakness. From childhood, boys receive messages that crying is unacceptable, showing emotion is feminine, and needing help means failing at masculinity.
This conditioning creates a devastating paradox. The men in your life desperately need connection and support but have been programmed to reject both. They want to be understood but lack the vocabulary or permission to express their inner world. They’re exhausted but will never say they need rest. They’re hurting but will insist everything is fine.
The Power of Your Influence
Women hold tremendous influence in men’s lives, even when it doesn’t feel that way. Wilson shares a powerful truth: boys don’t fight when people talk about their fathers, but they’ll fight anyone who disrespects their mothers. This reveals the profound impact maternal and feminine relationships have on male identity and emotional development.
Your words, presence, and understanding can either reinforce the prison of traditional masculinity or provide keys to freedom. When a wife undergirds her husband with affirming words, when a mother creates safe space for her son’s emotions, when a sister shows patience with her brother’s process—transformation becomes possible.
However, this influence comes with responsibility. Well-intentioned but misguided responses can deepen isolation. Dismissing concerns, trying to “fix” emotions too quickly, or comparing struggles unfavorably to others’ challenges all communicate that the man’s experience doesn’t matter. These responses, though often coming from a place of love, reinforce the belief that he should handle everything alone.
Creating Space for Emotional Expression
Wilson offers specific guidance for opening dialogue with men who’ve shut down emotionally. The approach begins with respect and patience rather than demands for immediate vulnerability.
Start by acknowledging his world as legitimate. Avoid phrases like “Wait until you get a real job” or “That’s not such a big deal.” What seems minor to you may feel mammoth to him. Wilson emphasizes: what’s big to them should be mammoth to you. This principle applies whether you’re parenting a teenage son or living with an adult partner.
Second, understand that it’s difficult for men to be vulnerable with the women in their lives because society has conditioned them to believe showing weakness to women makes them less desirable as men. This isn’t about you—it’s about cultural programming that begins in early childhood.
The Art of Not Changing the Weather
Wilson introduces a crucial concept: never try to change the weather. When a man finally opens up about struggle, the instinctive response for many caring women is to reassure: “It’s going to be okay” or “It’s not that bad.” While well-intentioned, this dismisses the reality of his experience.
If he’s saying it’s raining, don’t insist it’s sunny. Men are warriors who want to fight; sometimes they need to sit with difficulty rather than have it minimized. Trying to immediately make things better, while coming from love, actually invalidates the courage it took to be vulnerable.
Instead, Wilson suggests responses that affirm both strength and struggle: “I don’t know how you do it, but I’m proud to be married to a man of your strength and character. I couldn’t imagine carrying the weight you have.” This type of response honors the man’s experience while reinforcing that opening up doesn’t diminish him—it actually demonstrates greater strength.
Practical Communication Strategies
When attempting to connect with a man who’s emotionally shut down, Wilson recommends several specific approaches:
Use indirect introduction of concepts. Rather than confronting your husband or son directly, Wilson suggests sharing content from his social media or YouTube channel that might resonate. Send a reel or video with a message like, “This came across my feed. I think you might be interested.” This allows men to explore vulnerability on their terms without feeling cornered.
Practice active, intentional listening. When asking “How are you?” mean it. Hold his hands, look into his eyes, and create space for genuine response. Make it clear through your body language and attention that you’re truly present and ready to hear whatever he needs to share.
Show up without agenda. Wilson shares his practice of going to his son’s room when he’s withdrawn and simply saying, “Do you mind if I lay down and just read? I just want to be around you, but I don’t want to invade your space.” The power of presence often speaks louder than any words. Your physical proximity without pressure can communicate safety and love in ways conversation cannot.
The Eye Contact Exercise
Wilson teaches a powerful practice he learned from his therapist: sitting face to face with knees touching, holding hands, and looking into each other’s eyes without speaking. This exercise, which he uses with both couples and fathers and sons, often breaks through walls that words cannot penetrate.
In his experience, fathers attempting this with their sons almost always cry first. The eyes reveal truths the mouth has been trained to conceal. Looking deeply into your son’s or partner’s eyes allows you to communicate love and connection beyond language. It shows him he matters enough for you to be fully present with his unspoken reality.
This practice can feel uncomfortable initially, which is precisely why it’s powerful. The discomfort reveals how rarely we truly see each other without distraction or defense. For men accustomed to keeping everyone at arm’s length emotionally, being seen without barriers can trigger profound release.
Supporting Your Son Through Emotional Development
Mothers and female caregivers face unique challenges in raising boys to be emotionally healthy men. Wilson emphasizes that boys need more love, not more discipline. The traditional model of “scaring kids straight” retraumatizes children who are already carrying trauma.
When your son shuts down or becomes angry, the underlying issue is rarely what it appears to be on the surface. Anger is what Wilson calls a “surface emotion”—the epicenter that everyone can see. The real damage comes from emotions at the hypocenter: hurt, fear, disappointment, grief. Teaching boys to identify and express these deeper emotions prevents destructive outbursts.
Worry less about perfection and more about presence. Your son’s behavior isn’t always a reflection of your parenting. He has a life outside your view, experiences you cannot control, and influences you cannot monitor. Your role is to be consistently present and available, creating an emotional safe space he knows exists even when he’s not ready to use it.
Ask yourself Wilson’s powerful question: What could you live with? Could you live with receiving a call that your son overdosed, or could you live with humbling yourself and stretching beyond your comfort zone to connect with him? The answer clarifies priorities and provides motivation when the work feels difficult.
Understanding Your Partner’s Experience
If you’re in a relationship with a man, understanding his inner world requires recognizing that his conditioning runs deeper than most women realize. From earliest childhood, men receive messages that their value lies in what they produce, provide, and protect. Existing beyond these roles feels illegitimate.
This explains seemingly irrational behaviors. When you ask what he wants for his birthday and he says “nothing,” it’s not indifference—it’s because receiving something for just being feels foreign and uncomfortable. His worth has always been tied to doing, not being.
When he jumps up from a nap as you enter the house, it’s not laziness—it’s shame around rest. When he refuses to go to the doctor despite obvious illness, it’s not stubbornness—it’s because his entire identity depends on being invulnerable. Understanding these patterns creates compassion rather than frustration.
Wilson shares that after 26 years of marriage, he finally expressed himself to his wife Nicole without yelling. This timeline reveals how deeply ingrained these patterns are and how much patience the journey toward emotional health requires. His wife had to unlearn what she’d been deceived to believe about manhood, just as he had to unlearn what he’d been conditioned to believe about himself.
The Importance of Male Community
One of the most important things you can do for the man in your life is encourage and facilitate connection with other men. Wilson emphasizes that he’s a “man’s man” who teaches emotional development, yet even he recognizes he’s not enough for his own son. Men need other men.
If you’re raising a teenage or young adult son who’s “failing to launch,” understand that he lacks mentors. Previous generations had elder men who taught them how to be men, but modern males often navigate this territory alone. Gaming, excessive sleep, and disengagement aren’t laziness—they’re attempts to find wins in a world where he feels lost.
Help your son or partner connect with men who can model healthy masculinity. This might mean reaching out to uncles, cousins, or family friends. It might mean investing in men’s retreats or therapy groups. Wilson’s Cave of Adullam program and similar initiatives exist because this need is so critical and so unmet.
When to Seek Professional Support
There are times when the support of loved ones isn’t sufficient, and professional intervention becomes necessary. Wilson himself credits intensive retreat experiences and therapy for helping him heal from father wounds and childhood trauma.
Signs that professional support may be needed include: persistent depression or anxiety, suicidal thoughts, uncontrolled anger that endangers relationships or safety, substance abuse, or patterns that repeat despite genuine efforts to change.
Suggesting therapy to men requires care. Frame it as strength, not weakness. Emphasize that even warriors need training and support. Share that the same vigilance men apply to protecting and providing for families should be directed toward healing themselves. Point to examples of strong men who’ve benefited from therapy, including Wilson himself.
Living from the Good in Your Heart
Wilson encourages women to “live from the good in your heart”—to love freely without letting fear of rejection or past disappointments create walls. When a man does open up, receive his vulnerability as the gift it is. Never dismiss his emotions or use them against him later.
Men’s greatest fear in vulnerability is having their openness weaponized during future conflicts. If you’ve ever thrown past admissions back at a man during an argument, recognize how deeply this wounds and how significantly it discourages future vulnerability. Rebuilding trust after such violations takes considerable time and consistency.
Your consistent, non-judgmental presence can gradually teach the man in your life that emotional expression is safe. Each time you respond with compassion rather than criticism, you demonstrate that his humanity won’t be punished. Over time, these experiences can rewire decades of conditioning.
The Journey Forward Together
Supporting the men in your life through emotional development is a journey that requires patience, education, and grace for both parties. You cannot fix him, but you can create conditions where healing becomes possible. You cannot force vulnerability, but you can make it safe.
Remember that progress isn’t linear. There will be advances and retreats, breakthroughs and setbacks. The man who opens up one week may shut down the next. This doesn’t mean failure—it means he’s learning a completely new way of being that contradicts everything his culture taught him.
Your role is not to be his therapist, but to be his ally. Not to solve his problems, but to witness his humanity. Not to make him someone different, but to love who he authentically is beneath the armor he’s worn for so long.
As Wilson powerfully states, men are not alone—but they must be reminded of this truth repeatedly until they believe it. Your consistent presence, patient understanding, and genuine interest in their inner world can be the reminder that eventually breaks through decades of isolation.
For more guidance on supporting the men in your life, watch the complete conversation on the Mel Robbins Podcast or explore Jason Wilson’s resources at mrjasonwilson.com.