What Is Future Faking?
Six weeks into dating her, you felt like you’d finally found something real. She talked about the trip you’d take to Italy next summer, the apartment you’d get together once her lease was up, meeting her family at Thanksgiving. She painted vivid pictures of your shared future—how you’d travel the world together, maybe even start a business, definitely get a dog. You felt seen, chosen, valued. But when summer came, there was no trip. Her lease ended and she renewed it alone. Thanksgiving arrived and you still hadn’t met her parents. Every promise evaporated like morning fog, and you’re left wondering: was any of it ever real? You’ve been future faked—lured in with promises of a beautiful tomorrow that was never meant to materialize, kept hooked on a future that existed only in words.
Quick Definition
Future faking is a tactic whereby people lure you into thinking they are planning a wonderful future with you. Their visions of the future may make you feel optimistic about and bonded with them, but in the end, there may only be a whole lot of faking going on, as they may not be dedicated to or even believe in this future themselves. Psychology Today
Credible Source Quote
Future faking is “actually a form of manipulation, and it’s keeping you hooked in by making the kinds of future promises you want to hear,” says clinical psychologist and author Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. Men’s Health The goal isn’t to build a real future—your partner is working toward gaining power and control over you. They want trust, affection, attention, or compliance right now just based on their words. Psychology Today
Origins & Cultural Context
The term “future faking” emerged in the context of narcissistic relationship abuse and emotional manipulation, gaining significant traction around 2020-2023 as people began recognizing this specific pattern in their dating experiences. While the behavior itself is ancient, the terminology is modern—a way to name what previously went unnamed.
Future faking can also be linked with love bombing, another manipulation tactic often used by people with narcissistic tendencies to gain control in a relationship. Charlie Health The term represents our growing awareness of manipulation tactics in the dating world and our collective need to identify and name harmful patterns.
The behavior became more visible in the era of dating apps, where grand promises can be made easily through text without the accountability of in-person interaction. When you can describe an entire fantasy future via messaging, the barrier to future faking lowers significantly.
Real-Life Signs of Future Faking
Watch for these indicators that promises are empty manipulation:
- Grand promises early on: They’re painting a vivid picture of your shared future together: dream home, adorable kids, maybe even that art studio you’ve always wanted Thriveworks
- Vague timelines: Future faking often involves vague timelines, no concrete planning, and promises that conveniently address your concerns without real commitment Attachment Project
- No action behind words: Promises never materialize into action. Your partner avoids concrete plans or deadlines Psychology Today
- Promises that address your specific desires: They usually are promises about something that you have indicated is very important to you Psychology Today
- Repeated pattern: Every time you bring up their unfulfilled promises, they add another promise for the future
- You’re blamed for bringing it up: You’re blamed for “ruining the mood” when you bring up follow-through Psychology Today
- Conditional promises: “We’ll move in together if you just…” or “I’ll propose when you stop being so…”
- Rushing intimacy: They use future promises to accelerate emotional or physical intimacy before you’re ready
Why People Do This (Psychology Behind It)
Narcissistic Supply: If the future faker has narcissistic personality disorder, they also future fake for three important reasons. First, to gain narcissistic supply, which is required for a narcissist’s survival. They’re unable to regulate their emotions or maintain self-esteem without it. Katie Couric
Manipulation and Control: The main objective of future fakers is to use the promise of a future to get things from you in the present. Psychology Today They want something now—sex, money, attention, emotional support—and discovered that promising you what you want works.
Avoiding Conflict: Future faking is often used to avoid or end a conflict. It’s easier to say, “I’ll call you,” than “I’m not that into you.” It’s easier to table that crunchy workplace topic than to discuss it. Katie Couric
Love Bombing Extension: Future faking can be a form of love bombing on steroids. In love bombing, people shower you with affection to gain your trust and loyalty, softening you up so that you are more readily influenced by them. Psychology Today
Unintentional Over-Promising: Not all future faking is malicious. People with greater relationship satisfaction and drive to please their partner are more likely to make too many promises, and people with lower self-regulation skills find it more difficult to keep them. Attachment Project
Keeping You Invested: Future-faking works because it gives you something to hope for, even when the reality doesn’t match. Psychology Today
The Emotional Impact on You
Hope and Fear Manipulation: Future-faking focuses on two powerful emotions: hope and fear. Hope keeps you waiting for the good times you were promised, while fear tells you that walking away might make you lose your partner (and those dreams) forever. Psychology Today
Prolonged Investment: You keep investing time, energy, and emotion into something based on a promised future, not the actual present reality.
Self-Doubt: When promises don’t materialize, you question whether you’re being too impatient or demanding.
Erosion of Trust: Once you realize you’ve been future faked, trusting anyone’s promises about the future becomes difficult.
Grief for Lost Future: Healing begins with grieving the future you were promised, and then creating a new future for yourself. Psychology Today
Confusion: It’s kind of a psychological Ponzi scheme, in which you buy in now, and never get paid down the road. Men’s Health
What To Do If It Happens To You
Recognize the Pattern
Look for Action, Not Words: Genuine excitement is usually accompanied by planning steps, realistic timelines, and consistent follow-through. Attachment Project
Track Promises: Keep mental (or actual) notes of what’s been promised and what’s been delivered. The pattern will reveal itself.
Listen to Your Gut: Do you really feel confident that all of this is going to become true? Listen to your body. Psychology Today
Have Direct Conversations
Ask Specific Questions: Don’t be afraid to question politely any future visions that people offer you, especially about their ability to deliver. Psychology Today
Request Concrete Plans: Move from “someday” to specific dates, actions, and steps. If they can’t or won’t, that’s your answer.
Address Lack of Follow-Through: “You mentioned we’d take that trip in June. Can we start actually planning it, or was that just something you said?”
Protect Yourself
Don’t Make Major Decisions Based on Promises: Don’t quit your job, move cities, or make other life changes based on someone’s words alone.
Slow Down: If you notice your partner is trying to rush things or talk you into taking next steps that you’re not ready for, make sure to set your standards in the relationship and go at a pace you are comfortable with. Well+Good
Set Deadlines Internally: Decide privately how long you’ll wait for promises to materialize, then act when that deadline passes.
Know When to Leave
After Clear Pattern: If multiple promises have gone unfulfilled with no accountability, you’re being manipulated.
When It’s Clearly Deliberate: If they use future promises to extract things from you in the present, leave.
If They Gaslight You: When you confront your partner about these unfulfilled promises, they might say you’re “too impatient,” “too sensitive,” or “selfish.” Psychology Today This is manipulation—leave.
How To Avoid Doing This to Others
Be Realistic: Only make promises you genuinely intend to keep and have the capacity to fulfill.
Use Conditional Language: “It’s okay for someone to say, ‘I really hope for you to meet my family this summer,’ but we really want to be saying if it works out, rather than ‘I will’ or ‘I promise.'” Well+Good
Follow Through: If you make a promise, act on it. If circumstances change, communicate that honestly.
Don’t Paint Vivid Futures Too Early: Building shared plans should happen gradually as the relationship develops, not in week two.
Be Honest About Uncertainty: If you’re not sure about the future, say so rather than making false promises.
Check Your Motivations: Are you making these promises because you genuinely see that future, or because you want something now?
Healthier Alternatives / Green Flags
Contrast future faking with genuine relationship building:
- Words match actions: Plans discussed are plans pursued
- Realistic timelines: “I’d love to introduce you to my family over the holidays” (three months away) rather than “We’ll be married by next year” (week two of dating)
- Incremental progression: The relationship naturally develops rather than being rushed with grand promises
- Accountability: When promises can’t be kept, they apologize and explain rather than gaslight
- Present-focused: They invest in making the present relationship good, not just painting future pictures
- Balanced optimism: They express hopes for the future while acknowledging that relationships develop over time
- Follow-through: They demonstrate reliability in small things before making big promises
Red Flags To Watch For
- Elaborate future promises in the first few weeks of dating
- Vague timelines that never get more specific
- Pattern of promises made then avoided or excused away
- Using future promises to get something from you now
- Blaming you when you ask about unfulfilled promises
- No concrete actions ever backing up the words
- Promises that seem designed specifically to hook you
- They gaslight you about expecting too much too soon
When To Walk Away
Future faking becomes a dealbreaker when:
- Clear Pattern Emerges: Multiple significant promises have gone unfulfilled with no accountability
- After Direct Confrontation: You’ve clearly addressed it and they respond with defensiveness, gaslighting, or more empty promises
- Manipulation Is Evident: You realize they’re using future promises to extract things from you (sex, money, time, emotional labor)
- No Actions Ever Follow Words: Months pass with beautiful descriptions of your future but zero movement toward making any of it real
- Your Life Decisions Are Affected: You’re making choices based on their promises that aren’t materializing
- It’s Part of Larger Pattern: Future faking combined with other manipulation tactics (love bombing, gaslighting, narcissistic behavior)
Final Takeaway
When people paint a picture of a shared future with you that seems too good to be true, it’s time to worry about future faking. Psychology Today Words are easy; actions are what matter. Someone who genuinely envisions a future with you will take concrete steps to build it, not just paint pretty pictures. Don’t let promises about tomorrow blind you to what’s actually happening (or not happening) today.