In a revealing interview on the Soft White Underbelly YouTube channel, renowned New York divorce attorney James Sexton shared an uncomfortable truth that challenges our romantic notions about marriage. After 25 years representing clients in some of the most contentious divorces, Sexton argues that marriage is fundamentally an economy—and understanding this reality might actually help relationships succeed.
What Does “Marriage as an Economy” Really Mean?
When James Sexton tells couples that love is an economy, many people recoil at what seems like a cold, unromantic perspective. But during his fourth interview with Soft White Underbelly host Mark Laita, Sexton made a compelling case that viewing relationships through an economic lens isn’t cynical—it’s honest.
“What is an economy but trading value?” Sexton explains in the interview. “We’re bringing different things to this transaction, but they have tremendous value.”
The concept of relationship economics isn’t about reducing love to dollars and cents. Instead, it’s about recognizing that successful partnerships require an exchange of complementary resources, whether those resources are emotional support, financial stability, domestic labor, or intellectual stimulation.
The Currency of Modern Relationships
In his practice, Sexton observes that modern relationship dynamics have shifted dramatically. The traditional economic model of marriage—where one partner provided financial security while the other managed the domestic sphere—has been disrupted without a clear replacement framework.
“If women are aspiring to become the man they wanted to be with, great,” Sexton notes. “But then there’s nothing to talk to each other about. You don’t need each other.”
This observation highlights a fundamental challenge in contemporary marriage: when both partners bring identical resources to the relationship table, the economic exchange that traditionally bound couples together disappears.
What Partners Actually Trade
According to Sexton’s experience with thousands of divorce cases, successful relationships involve partners who:
Bring complementary skills rather than identical ones. Like Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak, whose different talents created Apple, romantic partners need different strengths that create synergy.
Clearly understand their contributions. The marriages Sexton has seen succeed involve partners who are “very clear in their expectations of each other” and “very clear in what their roles are.”
Value each other’s contributions equally. Whether one partner handles finances while the other manages emotional labor, both need to recognize the other’s contribution as essential.
The Real Problem: Nobody Knows What They’re Trading Anymore
One of Sexton’s most powerful insights from the Soft White Underbelly interview concerns the confusion plaguing modern relationships. “The fundamental problem in relationships in modern society is that no one has any idea what they’re supposed to do anymore,” he observes.
This confusion stems from multiple sources. The rise of dual-income households wasn’t created for the betterment of families, Sexton argues, but “to increase our GDP.” Society pushed the two-parent working model to maximize economic output, not to improve relationship outcomes.
Meanwhile, messaging about gender roles in relationships has become contradictory. Women are told that financial independence is paramount, while men are told that women are “just here for the money.” This creates a cynical environment where neither partner trusts the other’s motivations.
Why “Girl Boss” Culture Creates Relationship Problems
Sexton makes a controversial but thought-provoking observation about female empowerment and relationships: “If you girl bossed right into the sun and now you pay your own bills and you’re incredibly successful and you don’t need no man because you’re a strong independent woman—great. Why are we even talking then?”
This isn’t an argument against women’s financial independence. Rather, Sexton points out that if both partners bring identical resources (financial success, independence, self-sufficiency), they’ve eliminated the economic basis for partnership.
“I don’t need someone to provide and protect,” Sexton says of his own needs. “I need a soft place to lay my head. I want someone who will remind me to rest.”
His point: successful relationships require partners to offer different forms of value. When everyone strives to be completely self-sufficient in all areas, they inadvertently make themselves unnecessary to potential partners.
The Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak Model
Sexton uses the partnership between Apple co-founders Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak to illustrate healthy relationship dynamics. Jobs had vision and marketing genius but couldn’t engineer products. Wozniak could build anything but lacked business vision.
“Which of them gave more value to that relationship?” Sexton asks. “I don’t think you can say either. It wouldn’t have existed without the two of them.”
This model applies directly to romantic partnerships. A successful relationship doesn’t require both partners to be good at everything. It requires complementary strengths that, when combined, create something neither could achieve alone.
What Actually Works: Lessons from 30-Year Marriages
In his interview, Sexton shares insights from one of the few genuinely successful marriages he’s witnessed—a couple married 30 years who remain deeply attracted to each other.
The husband’s simple formula? “Clean kitchen counters and a lot of sex.”
While this might sound reductive, Sexton’s point is profound: this man knew exactly what he wanted from the marriage relationship, communicated it clearly, and his wife delivered on those expectations while he met hers (reliability, fidelity, emotional presence).
They maintained romantic attraction by thinking of each other as boyfriend and girlfriend rather than just spouses. The husband takes his wife away once a month. She refers to him as “my boyfriend” on social media after 30 years of marriage.
“They’ve figured out the hack,” Sexton observes. “Be each other’s boyfriend, be each other’s girlfriend, and be each other’s husband and wife.”
The Honest Economy: What Do You Actually Want?
For Sexton, the key to relationship success lies in brutal honesty about what each partner wants and offers.
“People are honest with themselves about what they want,” he says of successful couples. They don’t pretend their needs are more noble or less self-interested than they are. They acknowledge the transactional nature of relationships while still maintaining genuine affection.
This honesty extends to recognizing what attracts us to partners. Sexton argues we often love “the way that person makes us feel about ourselves” more than the person themselves. Understanding this doesn’t diminish love—it clarifies it.
Why This Framework Isn’t Unromantic
Critics might argue that viewing marriage as an economic exchange strips away romance. Sexton vehemently disagrees.
“You can know what the stars are and still find them beautiful,” he says. “You can know every single person you love is going to die and you’re going to die and in 200 years no one will remember your name. That does not mean life is pointless.”
Similarly, understanding the economic underpinnings of relationships doesn’t negate love. It simply provides a framework for building sustainable partnerships.
“The purpose of love is to love,” Sexton reflects. “I don’t believe it’s to create a legacy or carry my genes forward. I think it’s to experience the joy of that, and that’s a beautiful thing.”
Practical Applications: Building Your Relationship Economy
Based on Sexton’s insights from 25 years of divorce law, here’s how to apply relationship economics practically:
Identify your unique value proposition. What do you offer that your partner cannot provide for themselves? This might be emotional intelligence, financial acumen, domestic skills, social connections, or intellectual stimulation.
Understand your partner’s contributions. Recognize what they bring to the relationship that you lack or don’t want to handle yourself.
Communicate expectations clearly. Like successful business partnerships, successful marriages require clear understanding of roles and responsibilities.
Ensure fair exchange. Both partners should feel they’re receiving value roughly equivalent to what they’re providing. Resentment grows when this balance tips too far.
Acknowledge that the economy will shift. Life stages, career changes, children, and aging all alter what each partner needs and offers. Successful couples adapt their relationship economy accordingly.
The Divorce Lawyer’s Ultimate Insight
After witnessing thousands of marriage failures, Sexton’s core message is simple: honesty saves relationships.
“If we keep on this trajectory, people are going to start saying out loud, ‘I want this, but I could just buy that,'” he warns. “And if I can just buy it, like it’s the same reason why people don’t buy cars anymore. They lease cars.”
The solution isn’t to pretend economics don’t matter in romantic relationships. It’s to acknowledge them openly, value each partner’s unique contributions equally, and build a framework where both people’s needs are met through honest exchange.
As Sexton powerfully articulates: “Let’s just be honest about what we expect of ourselves and each other. What is our role? Why are we here? What do I serve in this relationship?”
Conclusion: A New Framework for Modern Love
James Sexton’s perspective, shared in his Soft White Underbelly interview and his books “How To Stay In Love” and “If You’re In My Office It’s Already Too Late,” offers a valuable framework for modern relationships.
Understanding marriage as an economy doesn’t diminish love—it clarifies what makes partnerships work. When couples honestly assess what they bring to their relationship, clearly communicate their needs, and value each other’s contributions appropriately, they build sustainable foundations for long-term success.
In a world where over 50% of marriages end in divorce, and another 20% persist unhappily, Sexton’s relationship economics framework might be exactly the honest conversation couples need to beat those odds.