The modern dating landscape has left countless men confused, frustrated, and searching for answers. Coach Christian from BetterMan Academy tackles one of the most misunderstood aspects of male-female dynamics in his compelling video “Female DESIRE Doesn’t Care About FEMINISM (Neither Should YOU!).” His central message cuts through decades of social conditioning: hypergamy is not a moral failing or a conscious choice—it’s nature itself.
What Hypergamy Really Means
When most people hear the term “hypergamy,” they immediately think of gold-digging or superficiality. However, Coach Christian reframes this concept in a way that strips away judgment and reveals the underlying biological reality. He defines hypergamy as “women’s desire to always be in the best possible situation for themselves and for their offspring if they have any.”
This isn’t about materialism or shallow values. Instead, it represents an evolutionary programming that has ensured human survival for millennia. Just as men possess instinctual reactions toward protection and responding to threats, women have deeply embedded mechanisms for mate selection that prioritize security and optimal outcomes for potential children.
The speaker emphasizes a crucial point that many men miss: “This is not a value system for women. It’s not a judgment of individual men even. It is the same instinctual behavior that we have as men when it comes to being violent, being a protector, and being reactive to potential threats around us.”
The Conflict Between Nature and Nurture
One of Coach Christian’s most profound insights centers on the tension between our biological programming and modern social conditioning. He argues that despite decades of feminist ideology, progressive values, and egalitarian ideals, evolution has not been overridden by cultural shifts.
“What we find is nature will not be ruled by nurture and that is hypergamy,” he states. No matter how many layers of ideology, politics, or social movements we pile on top of our fundamental nature, that core instinct remains intact and will eventually “seep through into society.”
This creates a particularly difficult situation for women living in metropolitan areas who may intellectually subscribe to feminist ideals of equality while simultaneously experiencing instinctual drives that contradict those beliefs. The speaker notes that women in cities tend to lean politically liberal and have adopted feminist frameworks, yet their mate selection behavior remains governed by ancient biological imperatives.
The cognitive dissonance this creates manifests in relationship dynamics where women enter partnerships expecting egalitarian structures but eventually lose attraction when men fail to demonstrate traditional masculine leadership qualities.
Why Modern Men Struggle With This Reality
According to Coach Christian, the primary reason men struggle with hypergamy is simple: they weren’t taught about it. He explains that the last several generations of boys grew up “without fathers in the home, whether it be physical or mentally.” This absence of masculine leadership meant that boys received their understanding of relationships primarily from their mothers and from broader feminist cultural messaging.
These men were socialized to believe that treating women as complete equals, suppressing masculine traits, and adopting more feminine approaches to relationships would make them attractive partners. They were told that if they were sensitive, emotionally available, and supportive of female empowerment, women would desire and respect them.
The harsh reality, as Coach Christian points out, is that “men have been dropping like flies when it comes to relationships where they’ve been idolizing women, seeing them as the north star, projecting all of their fantasy and also hope of safety, comfort, pleasure onto these women, ultimately being disappointed heavily, heartbroken, destroyed.”
Why does this happen? Because women, despite potentially holding progressive political views, cannot override their instinctual attraction triggers. When a man fails to demonstrate genuine masculine leadership, when he seeks validation from his partner rather than being self-directed, when he pedestalizes the feminine—the relationship deteriorates regardless of his good intentions or moral character.
The Testing Period: Three Months to Prove Yourself
One of the most practical insights Coach Christian shares concerns the timeline of relationship formation. He states that men have “basically three months to prove whether you are the man you say you are” through “a succession of testing” that will “expose the level of your masculinity.”
This testing phase is not conscious manipulation or game-playing. Rather, it represents an instinctual process through which women assess whether a man’s presented identity matches his actual character and capabilities. Coach Christian describes how women function like “heat-seeking missiles” that can identify inconsistencies between what a man says and what he demonstrates through action.
He emphasizes that this testing occurs regardless of a woman’s political ideology or stated values: “So it doesn’t matter whether she’s a crazy purple-head feminist or a trad wife conservative or anything in between or any variant of that.” The instinct transcends conscious belief systems.
For men, this means that initial attraction or early relationship success doesn’t guarantee long-term stability. What happens during those first few months—how a man responds to challenges, maintains his boundaries, demonstrates leadership, and remains congruent with his stated values—determines whether the relationship thrives or withers.
Women as Living Feedback Mechanisms
Perhaps the most valuable reframing Coach Christian offers is viewing women as “incredible focus groups for men, meaning market research.” This perspective transforms rejection and relationship failure from ego-crushing defeats into valuable data points for masculine development.
When a woman loses attraction or leaves a relationship, she’s revealing information about gaps in that man’s masculine development. Coach Christian explains that “what the woman does is to find within the man the holes in the armor and that is purely down to her survival.”
This makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective. Women historically faced enormous risks in mate selection—choosing poorly could mean physical danger, lack of resources, or vulnerable offspring. Therefore, women developed sophisticated mechanisms for testing male competence, consistency, and capability.
Rather than taking relationship failures personally or becoming bitter toward women, men can use these experiences as diagnostic tools. Where did the attraction break down? What boundaries were compromised? When did leadership waver? These questions, honestly examined, reveal the specific areas requiring development.
The Role of Masculine Structure and Leadership
Coach Christian argues that the solution to navigating hypergamy successfully lies in understanding that “women require leadership from something other than themselves. They’re not very good internal leaders. So they need leadership. That is where they seek masculinity, masculine leadership.”
This isn’t about domination or control. Instead, it refers to a man’s capacity to establish structure, maintain direction, and provide a stable framework within which both partners can thrive. He uses Jordan Peterson’s chess analogy to illustrate this concept: “The rules of chess are there so that you can play chess. You can do anything you want, but you can’t break the rules of chess.”
Freedom doesn’t mean the absence of constraints—it means the ability to operate effectively within a defined structure. Men provide this structure through their own self-discipline, clear boundaries, consistent values, and decisive action. When this masculine framework exists, women feel secure enough to embrace their femininity fully.
However, when men abdicate this role, when they seek to be peers rather than leaders, when they allow chaos and indecision to govern their lives, women instinctively lose attraction. Coach Christian notes that without masculine leadership, “hypergamy will not be quenched if there’s nothing stopping it. It needs enforcement and that’s where masculinity comes in.”
Practical Application: Building Masculine Value
The prescription Coach Christian offers is straightforward but demanding: men must “first comes from your own ability to self-impose structure, discipline, commitments into your life.” This internal development must precede any attempts to attract or maintain relationships with women.
He warns against attempting to build this foundation while already involved with a woman: “You cannot do it if you’ve not established that yet and you’re near a woman because the woman will expose the chaos within you.”
Instead, men should focus on:
- Establishing daily disciplines and routines
- Developing skills and competencies
- Building financial stability and career momentum
- Creating a clear personal mission and direction
- Strengthening physical capability and health
- Cultivating genuine self-sufficiency
From this foundation of masculine development, attraction becomes natural rather than pursued. Coach Christian emphasizes: “You don’t chase women. You attract women through your own self-built energy that you have to forge as a man.”
The Path Forward: Collective Individualism
While individual development forms the core of Coach Christian’s message, he also emphasizes the importance of male community. He describes this as “collective individualism”—men maintaining their individual paths and convictions while supporting each other’s growth within a community of like-minded individuals.
This recognition addresses a critical gap in modern male development. Previous generations received masculine initiation and guidance through father figures, uncles, coaches, and community elders. Today’s men often lack these traditional support structures, making intentional male communities essential for healthy masculine development.
The BetterMan Academy represents Coach Christian’s contribution to filling this void—a space where men can receive honest feedback, learn from others’ experiences, and maintain accountability for their growth without female validation or approval shaping their development.
Conclusion: Embracing Reality Over Ideology
Coach Christian’s message ultimately calls men to radical acceptance of biological reality. Hypergamy exists. Female desire operates according to ancient patterns regardless of modern ideologies. No amount of political correctness, feminist theory, or egalitarian ideals changes these fundamental dynamics.
For men willing to accept this reality, the path forward becomes clear: develop genuine masculine capability, establish internal structure and discipline, provide authentic leadership, and allow attraction to emerge naturally from demonstrated value rather than attempting to negotiate desire through appeals to fairness or equality.
This isn’t pessimistic—it’s liberating. When men stop trying to change unchangeable aspects of female nature and instead focus on developing their own masculine potential, they gain agency over their relationship outcomes. They transform from victims of confusing social dynamics into architects of their own lives.
As Coach Christian powerfully concludes, the moment when a woman reveals a man’s inadequacies “is a beautiful moment for you, sir. That is where men are forged.” The question is whether men will use that forge to strengthen themselves or remain bitter about the heat.
This article is based on insights from Coach Christian’s video “Female DESIRE Doesn’t Care About FEMINISM (Neither Should YOU!)” from the BetterMan YouTube channel. For more information about masculine development and Coach Christian’s work, visit the BetterMan Academy at https://www.skool.com/betterman/about.