Discover how to respond to insults effectively with 6 practical Stoic strategies from William B. Irvine’s ‘A Slap in the Face’: Insult pacifism, self-deprecating humor, source assessment, truth extraction, boundary-setting, and witty ripostes. Build resilience, defuse tension, and maintain inner peace against verbal attacks.
There’s a moment between hearing an insult and responding to it—a space that most people rush through without thought. Your face flushes. Your heart rate spikes. Words form on your tongue, usually the worst possible ones. You’re about to either escalate the conflict or submit to humiliation, and neither option feels good.
William B. Irvine’s “A Slap in the Face: Why Insults Hurt—And Why They Shouldn’t” offers a different way. Drawing on Stoic philosophy, psychological research, and historical examples, Irvine presents multiple strategies for responding to insults effectively. “Effectively” here doesn’t mean winning the verbal battle. It means preserving your peace, maintaining your dignity, and refusing to let someone else’s words disturb your internal state.
These aren’t quick tricks or clever comebacks. They’re approaches rooted in a deeper philosophy about what matters in life and where your worth actually comes from. But they’re also practical, testable, and remarkably effective when applied consistently.
Strategy 1: Insult Pacifism—Carry On as If Nothing Happened
The most radical Stoic response to insults is to simply continue as if the insult never occurred. Someone attacks you verbally, and you proceed with whatever you were doing without acknowledging the attack. This is insult pacifism, and it’s more powerful than it sounds.
When Cato the Younger was struck in the face in public, he wiped away the blood and continued with his business. When his attacker later apologized, Cato replied, “I don’t remember being struck.” The message was clear: you are so insignificant to me that I don’t even register your actions as worth remembering.
This works because it denies the insulter what they want: evidence that they’ve gotten to you, proof that their opinion matters, confirmation that they have the power to disturb your peace. The person who insults you wants a reaction. When you give them nothing, you’ve frustrated their purpose more effectively than any counter-insult could.
But insult pacifism only works when it’s genuine. If you’re silently seething while pretending indifference, it shows. The strategy requires actually being unbothered, which comes from the deeper philosophical work of not tying your worth to others’ opinions. You can’t fake it, but you can practice moving toward it.
Irvine suggests starting with low-stakes insults from people whose opinions genuinely don’t matter to you—the internet troll, the rude stranger, the difficult customer. Practice the simple act of noting the insult occurred and then carrying on without internal disruption. Build the skill in easier situations before attempting it with more challenging ones.
Strategy 2: Self-Deprecating Humor—Beat Them to the Punch
One of the most effective Stoic techniques is responding to insults by insulting yourself even more thoroughly than the original insulter did, and doing it with genuine amusement. This approach transforms the interaction completely.
Remember Marc Connelly’s response when someone compared his bald head to the man’s wife’s backside? Connelly felt his head and said appreciatively, “So it does, so it does.” He acknowledged the insult, added humor, and made the original insulter look foolish for attempting the attack in the first place.
This works for several psychological reasons. First, it’s difficult to remain upset about something you’re actively making jokes about. The self-deprecating humor shifts your emotional state from defensive to playful. Second, it denies the insulter their victory. They wanted to make you feel bad. Instead, you’re laughing. Third, it makes the insulter look impotent. Their best shot didn’t even dent your confidence.
Irvine reports that after years of practicing this technique, he’s found it remarkably effective at both defusing immediate situations and preventing future insults. People stop trying to insult you when they realize their attacks only make you laugh. There’s no payoff, so they give up.
The key is that the humor must be genuine, not bitter. You’re not hiding hurt behind jokes; you’re actually finding the situation amusing. This requires not taking yourself too seriously and being comfortable with your human imperfections. It’s a high-level skill, but even partial success makes interactions lighter and less fraught.
Strategy 3: Consider the Source—Assess the Insulter’s Worth
Before responding to an insult, Irvine suggests evaluating whether the insulter’s opinion deserves consideration. If you respect the person and they might have valuable insight, take the criticism seriously. If they’re a naughty child or a barking dog in human form, why would you take offense?
This approach requires honest assessment without defensiveness. The question isn’t “How can I dismiss this person to protect my ego?” It’s “Does this person have the knowledge, perspective, or relationship with me to offer meaningful feedback?”
Your boss’s criticism of your work performance might sting, but it’s worth considering because they have relevant expertise and authority. The internet stranger’s attack on your appearance or intelligence can be dismissed because they know nothing about you and their opinion has no bearing on your actual worth.
This isn’t about arrogantly assuming you’re above criticism. It’s about being discriminating in what feedback you internalize. Not all opinions are created equal. The person who insults you out of jealousy, ignorance, or their own insecurity isn’t offering information you need to take seriously.
Irvine notes that the Stoics extended this principle to nearly everyone. They believed that most people’s opinions were based on confused values and mistaken priorities. If someone insulted them for not pursuing wealth or status, the Stoics dismissed it because they rejected the value system underlying the criticism.
You don’t need to go that far, but you can practice distinguishing between criticism from people who understand you and your goals, versus attacks from people operating on entirely different value systems or lacking relevant information.
Strategy 4: Examine the Truth—Extract Any Useful Feedback
Sometimes insults contain truth. The colleague who angrily calls you unreliable might be expressing frustration poorly, but if you frequently miss deadlines, there’s valid feedback buried in the attack. The partner who says you’re emotionally unavailable might be lashing out, but if the pattern is real, the insult points to something worth addressing.
Irvine suggests responding to insults by asking yourself: Is there any truth here? Not “Is this person right to insult me?” but “Is there accurate information about my behavior that I should consider?”
This requires the emotional maturity to separate the delivery from the content. The person delivered their feedback poorly—through insult rather than constructive criticism. That’s on them. But if the underlying observation is accurate, that’s information you can use for growth.
This approach transforms insults into opportunities. The person meant to wound you, but you’ve extracted value from their words while remaining untouched by their hostility. You’ve used their attack as a mirror to see yourself more clearly, then chosen whether to make changes based on that reflection.
The key is honest self-assessment without self-condemnation. “I have been unreliable lately” is different from “I’m a terrible person.” The first is useful information. The second is the kind of self-insult that serves no purpose.
Strategy 5: Strategic Boundary-Setting—When Silence Isn’t Enough
Insult pacifism works well with strangers or people you don’t need ongoing relationships with. But with colleagues, family members, or others you can’t easily avoid, Irvine acknowledges that sometimes you need to address the behavior directly.
This isn’t about counter-attacking or defending yourself from the specific insult. It’s about calmly establishing that the behavior is unacceptable and must change. The conversation happens later, in private, when emotions have settled. “When you criticized me publicly in yesterday’s meeting, that was inappropriate. I need you to bring concerns directly to me in the future.”
This works because it addresses the pattern rather than any individual insult. You’re not arguing about whether you deserved that particular criticism or whether the insulter was justified. You’re establishing boundaries about how you will and won’t be treated in this relationship.
Effective boundary-setting requires several elements. It must be calm rather than angry. It must be specific about the behavior you need changed. It must include consequences if the behavior continues. And it must be followed through. Empty threats to set boundaries are worse than no boundaries at all because they signal you won’t actually enforce them.
Irvine emphasizes that boundary-setting isn’t about changing the other person. It’s about clarifying what you will accept. If they can’t or won’t change their behavior, you then have information about whether this relationship serves your wellbeing.
Strategy 6: The Witty Riposte—But Only Among Friends
Irvine doesn’t completely dismiss the witty comeback, but he strictly limits its appropriate use. The clever put-down has a place in playful exchanges with people you trust, where everyone understands no genuine offense is intended. In this context, it adds to the merriment and strengthens bonds.
But using wit as a weapon against someone genuinely trying to insult you is problematic. First, it equalizes you with your insulter, bringing them up to your level and you down to theirs. It legitimizes the exchange as a genuine battle rather than treating their attack as beneath notice. Second, it risks injuring someone who might already be fairly fragile, likely escalating rather than ending the conflict.
Most importantly, the perfect witty comeback rarely arrives when you need it. The French have a phrase for this: l’esprit de l’escalier, “staircase wit”—thinking of the perfect response only after you’ve left, walking down the stairs. By the time you’ve formulated your brilliant riposte, the moment has passed.
The one situation where Irvine endorses quick wit in response to insults is when addressing them with self-deprecating humor, as discussed earlier. This isn’t fighting back; it’s diffusing the situation by making the insult seem trivial through your own amusement at yourself.
Combining Strategies for Different Situations
In practice, you’ll need different approaches for different situations. Irvine doesn’t prescribe one universal response because contexts vary significantly. Consider these scenarios:
The stranger insults you in traffic: Insult pacifism. This person’s opinion is meaningless. Carry on as if nothing happened.
Your friend makes a hurtful joke: Self-deprecating humor if the relationship is secure enough. Or a private conversation setting boundaries if this is part of a problematic pattern.
Your boss criticizes you harshly: Examine the truth. Is there valid feedback here? If so, extract it and work on improvement. If the delivery was inappropriate, address that separately through boundary-setting.
A family member repeatedly puts you down: This requires the most sophisticated response. Consider the truth in their criticisms, use humor when appropriate, but ultimately set clear boundaries about acceptable behavior and enforce consequences if they can’t comply.
The internet troll attacks you online: Pure insult pacifism. Don’t engage. Their words have no bearing on your worth.
The strategy you choose depends on the relationship, the context, your goals for the interaction, and the insulter’s likely motivation. There’s no formula, but there are principles that can guide your decisions.
The Inner Game: Doing the Deeper Work
All these strategies work better when supported by deeper philosophical practice. The Stoics recommended daily exercises to build genuine indifference to external opinion. These included:
Morning reflection: Remind yourself what’s actually within your control (your thoughts, choices, responses) versus what isn’t (others’ opinions and behavior). Prepare mentally for the insults you might face that day.
Evening review: Examine how you responded to challenges that day. When did you maintain your peace? When did you get pulled into reactivity? What can you learn for tomorrow?
Negative visualization: Regularly imagine worst-case scenarios, including being insulted, criticized, or rejected. This reduces their emotional impact when they actually occur because you’ve already processed them mentally.
Value clarification: Get clear on what actually matters to you. When you know your values and live according to them, others’ opinions become less important because you’re not using external validation to know whether you’re on track.
Practicing detachment: Notice your emotional reactions to praise and criticism. Can you observe them without being controlled by them? Can you accept compliments without inflating your ego, and criticism without deflating it?
These practices gradually build what the Stoics called “equanimity”—stable inner peace regardless of external circumstances. When you have this foundation, the specific strategies for responding to insults become more natural and effective because you’re not performing indifference; you’re actually achieving it.
Learning from Your Responses
Irvine emphasizes that you’ll stumble in applying these strategies. Someone will insult you and you’ll fire back defensively before remembering your commitment to insult pacifism. Someone will wound you with their words even though intellectually you know their opinion shouldn’t matter. This is normal and expected.
The practice isn’t achieving perfect consistency from day one. It’s noticing when you slip, understanding why, and choosing differently next time. Each situation is a learning opportunity. Why did that particular insult get under your skin? What belief about yourself does it threaten? What would help you respond more skillfully next time?
This kind of ongoing self-reflection gradually transforms your relationship to insults. They become less threatening as you understand the psychological machinery that makes them hurt. You develop more options for response as you practice different strategies in different contexts. You build genuine confidence that comes from knowing you can handle whatever verbal attacks come your way.
The Freedom Beyond Technique
Ultimately, all these strategies point toward something bigger than simply handling insults more skillfully. They’re about achieving freedom from the social hierarchy game that makes insults hurt in the first place. When you genuinely don’t need others’ approval to feel worthwhile, when your sense of self isn’t dependent on external validation, insults lose their power naturally.
This freedom doesn’t mean you become a hermit or stop caring what anyone thinks. It means you can participate in relationships and society without your internal peace depending on how others view you. You can hear criticism without your self-worth collapsing. You can be insulted without feeling genuinely wounded.
The strategies Irvine presents are valuable tools, but they’re most powerful when they express a deeper philosophical shift. You’re not just learning clever responses to verbal attacks. You’re transforming your understanding of where worth comes from and what matters in life.
That transformation takes time. It requires ongoing practice, repeated failures, and patient persistence. But even small movements toward this freedom make a remarkable difference in daily life. The insult that would have ruined your week becomes a momentary annoyance. The criticism that would have sent you into defensive spirals becomes information you can consider calmly. The person trying to diminish you loses their power because you’ve stopped granting them authority over your sense of self.
That’s the real victory—not winning verbal battles, but achieving a state where the battles themselves become irrelevant. Not building thicker skin to deflect insults, but developing deeper understanding of why they don’t need to hurt in the first place.
The next time someone insults you, pause in that space between hearing and responding. Choose your strategy consciously rather than reacting automatically. And notice how it feels to reclaim your power from someone who tried to take it with words.