There’s a confusing paradox that countless men struggle with: they do everything they think they’re supposed to do to attract women, yet somehow it backfires completely. They listen attentively, avoid conflict, prioritize her needs, and try to be the opposite of the “jerks” women complain about. The result? A complete lack of romantic interest.
Dr. Robert Glover, author of “No More Mr. Nice Guy” and therapist who has worked with men for over 30 years, reveals why this happens and what actually creates attraction in relationships.
The Fundamental Misunderstanding
The issue isn’t about being kind or considerate. Rather, it’s about authenticity and the dynamics that create romantic tension. As Dr. Glover explains, nice guys operate from a fundamentally inauthentic place. They’ve internalized the belief that “I’m not okay just as I am,” leading them to become what they think others want them to be while hiding anything that might trigger disapproval.
This creates someone who is essentially performing a role rather than being themselves. Women can sense this inauthenticity, even if they can’t articulate exactly what feels “off” about the interaction.
The Approval-Seeking Dynamic
From early childhood, many men learn to seek validation from women. This makes evolutionary sense—our first caregiver is typically our mother, and our survival depends on maintaining that relationship. Add to this that most early teachers are women, and you have young boys learning that success means figuring out how to please the women in their lives.
The problem emerges when this pattern continues into adulthood without the counterbalance of masculine initiation. Historically, around age 12, boys would transition from the world of women to spend most of their time with men, learning to face fears and become comfortable being uncomfortable. Without this transition, many men remain stuck in approval-seeking mode.
Dr. Glover describes a striking paradox: “Pursuing women and trying to please them doesn’t make them interested in you. It doesn’t make them like you. It doesn’t make them want to have sex with you. Actually, not trying to please women tends to make a guy more interesting to women in general.”
What Women Actually Respond To
The feminine, according to Dr. Glover, is highly attracted to “a man who’s comfortable in his own skin, knows where he’s going, and looks like he’s having a good time getting there.” Notice what’s missing from this description: there’s no mention of seeking approval, listening to complaints, or trying to be what she wants.
This doesn’t mean being cruel or dismissive. It means being centered in yourself, differentiated, and on purpose. It means asking yourself what you want and following through on it, rather than constantly checking which way the wind is blowing and adjusting yourself accordingly.
The Role of Polarity and Tension
A crucial concept for understanding attraction is polarity. For there to be attraction, there must be polarity, which involves elements of dominance and submission. Dr. Glover acknowledges these can feel like loaded terms, but they’re fundamental to romantic and sexual dynamics.
When men become overly compliant and women take on the dominant role, the polarity reverses. Women then find themselves in their masculine energy—the same energy they’ve been in all day at work, managing responsibilities and making decisions. What they often crave is the ability to return to their feminine energy, to be led rather than to lead.
This doesn’t mean women want to be controlled or that men should be tyrannical. It’s far more nuanced. Dr. Glover shares an example with his wife: “I’ll say, ‘I was thinking a white with a little bit of tint of gray in it, what do you think?’ She wants me to lead that, and then she’ll feel the polarity, and then she’ll tell me what she thinks or wants.”
The Emotional Tension Factor
Perhaps the most counterintuitive aspect is the role of emotional tension. Women generally need to experience emotional tension to feel attraction, arousal, and attachment. Men, by contrast, typically want to resolve emotional tension as quickly as possible.
This creates a fundamental mismatch. When a nice guy immediately returns every call, listens to every complaint, and tries to solve every problem, he’s relieving all the tension. Dr. Glover notes, “If you sit and listen to her talk about her problems, you’ve actually relieved all of her tension… and what I tell guys is then you end up looking like her girlfriend with a penis, and odds are she doesn’t want to have sex with her girlfriend.”
The solution isn’t to be cruel or create negative drama. Rather, it’s about not rushing to resolve everything, maintaining your own direction, and allowing space for that tension to exist naturally.
The Hidden Cost of Listening
Many nice guys pride themselves on being great listeners, especially compared to the “jerks” women date. But excessive listening to a woman’s problems creates an unexpected dynamic. Dr. Glover describes setting a five-minute timer when his partner wanted to vent about her day: “I would give her undivided attention for five minutes. She would run out of steam before five minutes was up because she’s going, ‘I can sit here and complain, but there’s a baseball game on, there’s a glass of wine sitting here, what do I prefer?'”
Without that boundary, she might have stayed in complaint mode all evening, robbing both of them of an enjoyable time together. The nice guy thinks he’s being supportive by listening endlessly; in reality, he’s enabling his partner to stay stuck in negative masculine energy.
Playfulness as Medicine
One consistent thread in healthy masculine-feminine dynamics is playfulness. Dr. Glover emphasizes that this doesn’t mean making everything a joke or not taking things seriously. Rather, it’s about maintaining a light-hearted approach that shows you’re here to enjoy time together, not to navigate a minefield of potential disapproval.
This playfulness can manifest in small ways: making a dad joke when walking outside, teasing gently, or saying something slightly absurd. It creates emotional movement and shows confidence—you’re not so worried about her approval that you’re censoring every impulse.
The Core Transformation
The shift from nice guy to genuinely attractive man isn’t about becoming an asshole. It’s about moving to an entirely different plane where you’ve learned to self-soothe, set boundaries, be assertive, and ask yourself what you want rather than constantly managing anxiety about others’ reactions.
As Dr. Glover states: “What we’re actually talking about is going to a different plane, a different level, where we actually learn to soothe ourselves, where we actually learn to be assertive, where we actually learn to have boundaries, where we actually learn to be differentiated and ask ourselves what do I want and follow through on it.”
Women don’t have a standard of approval to achieve, because the feminine “is not about standards, it’s just about whatever is moving.” You cannot earn approval by being good enough. You can only become attractive by being genuinely yourself, on purpose, and comfortable in your own skin.
Moving Forward
The journey from nice guy to integrated man requires several key elements: finding safe people and men’s groups for support, working on honesty (nice guys are far less honest than they believe), making your needs a priority, learning to set boundaries, and connecting deeply with other men.
The paradox resolves when you stop trying to get women’s approval and start living authentically. That’s when approval tends to come naturally—not because you’re following a new strategy, but because you’ve become the kind of person who is genuinely attractive: someone comfortable with themselves, moving in a direction, and having a good time doing it.