We all want to belong. This drive is hardwired into our DNA—humans are social creatures whose survival once depended on group membership. But there’s a profound difference between belonging and fitting in, and understanding this distinction can transform how we experience work and life. In her book “Be Yourself at Work,” Claude Silver explores this critical difference and shows how genuine belonging creates workplaces where people and organizations thrive.
The Fundamental Distinction
Researcher Brené Brown captures the essence of this difference with a simple but powerful insight shared by a 12-year-old: “If I get to be me, I belong. If I have to be like you, it’s fitting in.”
Fitting in requires changing yourself to match your environment. You observe what’s acceptable, what behaviors are rewarded, what aspects of yourself need to be hidden. Then you contort yourself into that shape, suppressing the parts of you that don’t fit. This process is exhausting and ultimately hollow because the acceptance you gain is for a performance, not for who you actually are.
Belonging, by contrast, happens when you can show up authentically and still find connection. You don’t need to change yourself to be accepted—your genuine self is enough. The environment makes space for your unique qualities rather than demanding conformity.
As Silver emphasizes in “Be Yourself at Work,” belonging is a verb—an active process, not a passive state. It requires courage to show up authentically, willingness from others to accept that authenticity, and organizational cultures that value diversity of perspective and experience.
Why We Choose Fitting In
If belonging is so much better than fitting in, why do so many people default to fitting in? The answer lies in risk and fear.
Fitting in feels safer. When you observe the unwritten rules and conform to them, you minimize the risk of rejection. You won’t stick out. You won’t make waves. You might not feel fully alive, but you also won’t be cast out.
Belonging requires vulnerability. When you show up as yourself, you risk that your authentic self won’t be accepted. This possibility terrifies many people, especially those who’ve experienced rejection before or who work in environments that punish difference.
Silver’s own journey, described in “Be Yourself at Work,” illustrates this dynamic. In her early years, she tried desperately to fit in, to be the person she thought others wanted her to be. This led to destructive behavior and profound unhappiness. Only when she found the courage to be herself did she discover genuine belonging—and transform her life.
The workplace often reinforces fitting in over belonging. Phrases like “cultural fit” can become code for “people like us.” Homogeneous leadership teams signal that there’s one right way to be. Unwritten rules about “professionalism” often mask expectations to suppress aspects of identity.
In these environments, choosing belonging feels risky because it is risky. The question becomes whether the cost of fitting in—the loss of self, the exhaustion of constant performance, the hollowness of false acceptance—exceeds the risk of pursuing genuine belonging.
The Neuroscience of Belonging
Understanding why belonging matters requires examining how our brains work. We are wired to belong—it’s stamped into our DNA. Social psychologist Geoffrey Cohen’s research, cited in Silver’s book, shows that the need to belong drives human behavior at the most fundamental levels.
When we experience belonging, our brains release oxytocin and other neurochemicals associated with wellbeing, connection, and safety. These chemicals support our immune system, improve our mood, and enhance our cognitive function. Belonging literally makes us healthier and smarter.
When we experience exclusion or rejection, our brains perceive this as threat. The same neural pathways that process physical pain activate in response to social pain. Being excluded from a group or rejected by peers creates genuine suffering, not just hurt feelings.
Matthew Lieberman’s research on social neuroscience, which Silver references, demonstrates that our brains are fundamentally social organs. We’re designed for connection. When we lack genuine belonging, we function suboptimally across multiple domains—cognitive, emotional, and physical.
This isn’t soft psychology—it’s hard neuroscience. Organizations that fail to create belonging are literally impairing their employees’ brain function and, therefore, their performance.
Belonging in the Workplace
Workplace belonging has unique characteristics and challenges. Unlike family or friendship groups where belonging can develop organically over time, workplace belonging must be intentionally cultivated within structures designed primarily for productivity.
Silver’s work as Chief Heart Officer at VaynerX demonstrates what workplace belonging looks like when done well. At VaynerX, people stay for many years—unusual in the fast-moving advertising industry. This retention suggests that people have found genuine belonging, not just adequate employment.
What enables this belonging? Several factors emerge from Silver’s book:
Psychological safety: People must feel safe being themselves without fear of punishment or rejection. Without safety, authentic self-expression dies and belonging becomes impossible.
Diverse representation: When leadership and teams reflect diverse backgrounds, perspectives, and identities, it signals that there are multiple ways to belong. Homogeneous environments, even well-intentioned ones, communicate that belonging requires conformity to one template.
Values alignment: People experience belonging when organizational values match their own and when the organization actually lives those values rather than just posting them on walls.
Personal recognition: Belonging grows when people feel seen as individuals, not just as role-fillers or productivity units. Leaders who invest in knowing their people as whole humans create conditions for belonging.
Opportunities for contribution: People belong when they can contribute meaningfully in ways that leverage their unique strengths. Belonging isn’t just about being accepted—it’s about mattering.
America Ferrera’s Superpower
Actress America Ferrera’s TED talk, cited in “Be Yourself at Work,” powerfully illustrates the transformation from fitting in to belonging. She describes her journey of trying to change herself to fit Hollywood’s narrow definitions of who could be a leading actor.
For years, Ferrera attempted to minimize her Latina identity and adapt herself to what she thought the industry wanted. She was fitting in—or trying to. This approach didn’t just fail to bring success; it disconnected her from her authentic self and source of power.
The breakthrough came when Ferrera recognized that her identity wasn’t an obstacle to overcome but a superpower to leverage. Rather than hiding who she was, she could bring her full self to her work and use her unique perspective to create something distinctive.
This realization transformed her career and her sense of belonging. She stopped trying to fit into roles designed for other people and instead created space for herself and others like her. Her authenticity didn’t limit her opportunities—it expanded them.
The same principle applies across all workplaces. What we often perceive as obstacles—our different backgrounds, perspectives, or approaches—are actually assets when we work in cultures that value diversity. But this requires courage to show up authentically rather than contorting ourselves to fit existing templates.
Creating Cultures of Belonging
Organizations don’t create belonging through diversity statements or inclusion training alone, though these can help. Belonging requires deep cultural transformation that touches every aspect of how work happens.
Silver’s work at VaynerX illustrates several practices that foster belonging:
Model inclusion from the top: When senior leaders represent diverse backgrounds and perspectives, it signals that many paths lead to success. When leadership is homogeneous, people who don’t match that template question whether they can truly belong.
Invite diverse voices: Create formal and informal mechanisms for people to share their perspectives, especially when those perspectives challenge dominant views. Make it clear that diversity of thought is valued, not just tolerated.
Address microaggressions: Small slights that communicate “you don’t belong” accumulate into significant barriers. Leaders must be willing to name and address these dynamics, even when uncomfortable.
Celebrate differences: Rather than expecting people to downplay what makes them unique, celebrate the diversity that people bring. This might include cultural holidays, different working styles, varied perspectives on problems.
Create affinity groups: Sometimes belonging requires space with people who share particular identities or experiences. Employee resource groups, affinity networks, and other communities can provide this while still connecting to broader organizational belonging.
Examine systems for bias: Hiring, promotion, compensation, and recognition systems often contain hidden biases that favor certain groups. Auditing these systems for fairness is essential for belonging.
Unlearning to Belong
In “Be Yourself at Work,” Silver references Star Wars when Yoda tells Luke to “unlearn what you have learned.” This wisdom applies perfectly to the journey from fitting in to belonging.
Many of us have learned harmful lessons about what’s required to be accepted. We’ve learned to suppress parts of ourselves, to perform versions of ourselves that meet others’ expectations, to minimize what makes us different. These lessons were often necessary for survival in toxic environments, but they prevent belonging in healthy ones.
Unlearning requires:
Identifying the lessons: What have you learned about how you need to be to be accepted? What aspects of yourself have you learned to hide? Which of your qualities do you treat as liabilities rather than assets?
Questioning the lessons: Where did these lessons come from? Are they actually true, or were they survival strategies for specific contexts? Do they serve you now?
Experimenting with authenticity: Start small. Share something genuine in a low-stakes situation. Notice what happens. Often, our fears of rejection are worse than reality.
Finding safe relationships: Identify people or communities where you can practice authenticity. Let these experiences of acceptance build your courage for broader authentic expression.
Rewriting the story: Replace stories of “I have to be X to belong” with “I belong when I’m authentically myself.” This cognitive shift takes time but transforms experience.
The Leader’s Role in Belonging
Leaders carry special responsibility for creating belonging because they shape culture through every decision and interaction. Silver’s work as Chief Heart Officer provides a model for how leaders can actively foster belonging.
Know your people: Invest time in understanding who people actually are—their backgrounds, values, strengths, and aspirations. You can’t create belonging for people you don’t know.
Share yourself: Model the vulnerability and authenticity you want to see. When leaders show their humanity, it gives permission for everyone else to be human too.
Notice and address exclusion: Pay attention to who speaks in meetings and who doesn’t, whose ideas get credited and whose get overlooked, who gets development opportunities and who gets passed over. Address patterns that exclude.
Expand definitions: Challenge narrow definitions of what success, professionalism, or leadership looks like. The broader your definitions, the more people can find ways to belong.
Give people permission: Explicitly tell people that their authentic selves are welcome. This might seem obvious, but many people need to hear it directly from leadership.
Protect belonging: When someone acts in ways that exclude or diminish others, address it swiftly. Protecting belonging sometimes requires having difficult conversations or making unpopular decisions.
Belonging and Performance
Skeptics might wonder whether focusing on belonging undermines performance. After all, shouldn’t work be about results, not feelings?
This framing misunderstands the relationship between belonging and performance. Belonging doesn’t compete with performance—it enables it.
When people experience belonging, they bring their full selves to work. This includes their creativity, their unique perspectives, their discretionary effort, and their full cognitive capacity. People who belong take risks, speak up with ideas, and persist through challenges.
When people lack belonging and are focused on fitting in, they direct enormous energy toward impression management rather than productive work. They hold back their best ideas for fear of seeming strange. They don’t take creative risks. They leave as soon as a better option appears.
VaynerX’s results demonstrate this connection. Exceptional retention, strong culture scores, and business success all flow from the belonging that Silver and Vaynerchuk have cultivated. Belonging isn’t in tension with performance—it’s foundational to it.
Measuring Belonging
To improve belonging, organizations need to measure it. Several approaches can help:
Pulse surveys: Regular quick surveys asking questions like “I feel like I belong here” or “I can be myself at work” provide ongoing data about belonging.
Demographic analysis: Examine retention, promotion, and satisfaction data across demographic groups. Disparities often reveal belonging gaps for certain populations.
Exit interviews: People leaving often provide honest feedback about belonging (or lack thereof) that current employees might not share.
Focus groups: Small group conversations can surface nuanced dynamics around belonging that surveys miss.
Observation: Watch who participates in meetings, whose ideas get traction, who socializes with whom. These patterns reveal belonging dynamics.
The goal isn’t perfect scores but rather ongoing attention to belonging and commitment to improvement when gaps emerge.
Personal Practices for Belonging
While organizations must create conditions for belonging, individuals can also cultivate their own sense of belonging through intentional practices:
Be yourself consistently: The more you practice showing up authentically, the more natural it becomes and the more you discover who accepts your authentic self.
Find your people: Within any organization, some people and groups will resonate more than others. Invest in those relationships.
Contribute meaningfully: Belonging deepens when you matter. Find ways to contribute that leverage your unique strengths.
Set boundaries: Sometimes belonging means protecting yourself from people or situations that don’t honor your worth. It’s okay to limit exposure to toxicity while you find or create better belonging.
Build community beyond work: Workplace belonging matters, but it’s not the only belonging that matters. Invest in relationships and communities outside work too.
Practice self-acceptance: It’s hard to experience external belonging if you don’t first belong to yourself. The journey to belonging starts with accepting yourself as worthy.
Conclusion
Claude Silver’s “Be Yourself at Work” presents belonging not as a nice feeling but as a fundamental human need and organizational imperative. The distinction between belonging and fitting in isn’t semantic—it’s the difference between thriving and merely surviving.
Fitting in might get you through the day, but belonging transforms your experience of work and life. It allows you to bring your full self, your best ideas, and your authentic energy to everything you do. It creates the psychological safety necessary for innovation, the trust essential for collaboration, and the engagement required for excellence.
Building cultures of belonging requires courage from leaders and individuals alike. Leaders must be willing to create space for diverse expressions of humanity. Individuals must be willing to show up authentically even when it feels risky.
But as Silver demonstrates through her pioneering work at VaynerX, the rewards of belonging—in performance, retention, innovation, and human flourishing—make every bit of effort worthwhile.
The question isn’t whether your organization can afford to prioritize belonging. It’s whether it can afford not to.